It is as if I am a ship that is becalmed in the ocean. Stillness all around me, even as I am aware of movement and chatter around me. But my world seems still. Even as it moves around me. Doldrums is the term used to describe the ocean when the winds have disappeared and ships lay still. I’ve read of sailor’s accounts of the eeriness of…
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She Didn’t Have to Be
Megan loved being a mother. If there was one thing, one goal in life she had, it was to create a little girl like Shelby. For 7 years, she doted on her, relishing taking her to school, feeding her creamed peas, changing diapers, reading to her, and in effect spending every healthy moment she had with her. Even when she was admitted to the…
Daddy’s Girl
From the moment our daughter, Ryann was born Joey was madly in love with her. She has always been his princess and although he loved his boys, his love for her was different. The worst part of Joeys passing has always been the pain the children feel. The fact that they will have to grow up without their dad and never be able to experience life…
Echoes in my Heart
Some moments can be so complex it just floors me. Tonight Mike and I were grilling out in the back yard and taking turns playing ball with his daughter Shelby. We had good music going and a beautiful warm sunny sky. At one point I went in the kitchen to clean up some things and they followed me inside. Mike started dancing with me to a sweet song…
Its Not Easy
On mother’s day just past I spent an hour trying to calm my three year old daughter because she didn’t want to get out of the shower. It was a huge tantrum that left the both of us floored and in tears. Admittedly for a while after John passed I let her walk all over me because I didn’t have the energy for a tantrum if she didn’t get her…
Change Your Mind, Change the World
On March 31st, in NYC, I was honored to be chosen to give a TEDx Talk, at Adelphi University. My talk was about how we, as a society, need to change the conversation about grief and loss and death, and change the way we treat both the people we love who have died, AND those that are left behind to miss and grieve them. The talk was performed live…
Smiling Through the Tears
I don’t really have anything particular to write about this week. No news on the house, work is going, school is going. In the middle of it all, I am feeling that ring of sadness around it all. Sad that my life has changed so much as a result of losing Mike, sad that he isn’t here to share it with anymore, sad that my future will not include…
This Particular Feeling…
Emptiness. It seems this word is the one that best describes my life since I dealt with the trauma stemming from Chuck’s death. It was difficult, when I sought trauma therapy, to accurately describe why his death so traumatized me. His hospice time, and the drama involved in that, though I very intentionally shielded him from the drama. …
Mother’s Day – A Year in Review
(So, I wrote this last year on Mother’s Day. I tried and tried to write this week, and the more i did so, the more it read just like the below. So instead, I’ve decided to re-post it, with an update on what has changed, a year later. A year further from losing Megan, and another year growing with Sarah. I’ve underlined in parenthesis my…
Mother’s Day
Happy Mother’s Day to all the amazing moms out there. Especially the ones who are doing it solo. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a mom is something I always wanted and I love my children. I love having a big family. But it’s definitely not something I wanted to do alone. Now I’m mom and dad. I’m working two jobs and going back to…
Coping on the Hard Days
It’s Saturday night as I write to you all. Today started out rough. The anticipation of Mother’s Day looming always gets to me. It’s no surprise – I’ve been dealing with some of the triggers of this holiday for over 20 years since I lost my mom young. But there are more layers these days, leaving it even tougher at times to navigate. Thoughts…
Triggers
I am strong, but I am also fragile. My heart feels as though it’s in ever changing pieces, but full at the same time. I am terrified of love, but long for its place in my life again. I am very self-assured but insecure of life around me. Because there are no guarantees and no promises. I make progress daily through this heart ache and take steps…