I don’t really have anything particular to write about this week. No news on the house, work is going, school is going.
In the middle of it all, I am feeling that ring of sadness around it all. Sad that my life has changed so much as a result of losing Mike, sad that he isn’t here to share it with anymore, sad that my future will not include him.
Just the normal, obvious feelings of grief that don’t go away.
That surge of panic that comes and goes when I consider the unsettled nature of my life and future. Anxiety that I don’t have Mike to rely on in any way. Stress that I will make a wrong decision without his advice. Frustration that the right, best decision doesn’t seem obvious yet.
But I am consciously working on gratitude. I have had a truly lovely and blessed life so far, and even though I’ve experienced loss, I do not want it to tarnish how grateful I am for what I have had.
I had a beautiful childhood, wonderful parents and brother. I remember days of play, incredible vacations, family dinners and a general peaceful life with a happy, carefree energy. We had very little family tragedy and all have had good health, for the most part. Though Dad’s condition now is heartbreaking, he is well cared for and we have each other for support.
I had an excellent education and a wild adventure in Hollywood. I met an amazing, unique man who was endlessly entertaining and 16 years of life in the beautiful land of Aloha. I have two beautiful stepdaughters and three wonderful grandchildren. I have so many friends I can’t even count who are caring and supportive of me. I have my musician boyfriend who has proven to also be a reliable source of support, despite his quirky nature, and despite that we don’t know yet how our relationship will survive the coming changes.
It’s still easy to sink into the grief, and it still happens all the time. I just remind myself it’s not all been bad – in fact most of it has been wonderful. It’s harder to think about things to come, though my energy is going towards creating something that I can also feel grateful for someday.
None of this is easy. Focusing on the good, and gratitude. Finding things to look forward to now that my love is gone from me. It’s a practice, the way I see it. I need to continue this practice, because one of my promises to myself is to be a light to others as much as I can. I see one of the reasons for my life as bringing smiles to those around me, maybe, sometimes, also through the tears.