(Mike and I with Drew’s parents) I didn’t manage to get a post up last week as I was out on a very special trip back home to Texas. One that left my heart overflowing with just how beautiful and surprising life still can be. It isn’t often that we happen to find ourselves in the middle of a truly miraculous celebration of life. I think the last…
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Sewing My Widow Oats
Okay. So let’s just do it. Let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about love and dating and sex. Yeah, I said it. Sex. And widowhood. Lets not forget widowhood. I need to talk about this. It’s time. The first thing that I will say about this, is that each of us is completely different, when it comes to our feelings about love, dating,…
Shifts Happen
Having lunch with a friend the other day, one who knows me well and knew Mike, I told her: I feel like a completely different person now. Four year later, the only things that remain the same here in Kona are the friends we knew together, my two dogs, and the house I shared with Mike, though its innards are greatly changed now too. And soon, no…
This New Year of Mine~
I just passed the 4-year mark of Chuck’s death. This year blew me to pieces. Every year does, honestly, but this year…wow. I went to work the day after, but lasted for only 2 hours, at which point it seemed like my choices were go home or run screaming from the store. Mentally and emotionally, I was so done. Mostly, I push my way…
Happy 6th Birthday
Today is my son Jacobs 6th birthday. Birthdays are always different now. I do my best to give the kids what they want and celebrate but there’s a hole. Someone is missing. How can you celebrate the birth of your child without their daddy. I just don’t know if it will ever be the same. Jacobs 4th birthday was the last one Joey was apart of. I don’t…
Talking to Mike
Whether or not there is a belief in God or an afterlife, I would bet that many widowed people talk to their lost loves. The first few months after Mike died I remember that horrific, heart-clenching, shattering new reality that he was not there to talk to anymore. But as time went on I just started talking to him anyway. Sometimes I yelled at him…
Tu Me Manques…in Every Language~
What do I do with this 4-year mark? This Friday will be 4 years since I leaned over and gently kissed the lips of my dead husband, after watching him suffocate. After he died, I bathed him, with the aid of our 2 girls. Then we dressed him in his street clothes. I didn’t want his body going into the body bag by itself and I remembered that I…
Pre-survivor’s Guilt
It’s Monday night. After a long holiday weekend, and a single day of work, I’m off for a week. Sarah and I are traveling to Texas tomorrow, to meet with her friends and family and celebrate the memory of Drew, as they’ve done yearly since his death. The loose ends are tied up at work. Our bags are packed and we’re into the impatient…
Dealing with Resentment
I think grief is an even trickier thing as time goes on. It becomes more infused with your new life and sometimes it’s hard to even know when struggles are related to your grief or to other things. I’ll be honest, I think I’m still holding on to some resentment that this other life I wanted to have will never happen. Even if 99% of me wants…
The Day You Died,
I recently read a well written piece called “On the day I die” I thought it was beautiful, it resonated with me and gave me inspiration for my own piece of writing. The day you died, I knew you were gone but I waited for you. In a haze of disbelief and shock I waited for you to walk up to me. Minutes and hours ticked over with family and…
The Duality of Widowhood
The definition of the word “duality” is as follows: 1. the quality or condition of being dual 2. an instance of opposition or contrast between two concepts or two aspects of something; a dualism. “the photographs capitalize on the dualities of lightness and dark, stillness and movement.” I think it is more than safe to say that every widowed…
Mean Dreams
I had a dream about Mike last week. I hear some widowed people bemoan the fact that they never dream of their loved one…but these dreams are not always happy. I wish we could all visit with them in all our dreams every night, dancing happily through the fields of neverwhere together, able to talk to them and laugh with them. But not all dreams…