How did I widow this summer? I was…I still am, til the middle of August…working at an opera camp in the Ozarks. Students come from around the world to perfect their art. Orchestra comes from around the world to play for the students when they present their operas. Staff brings their talents/gifts to teach and guide the students. Carmen. …
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Life Getting in the Way
It’s not exactly a secret that sometimes, I just can’t foresee a good subject for my weekly writings here. I’ll pine over ideas to see if they spark something, thinking about if there were any milestones, anniversaries, or triggers in the past week. More often than not, I’ll find a nugget of something and expand upon it, and sometimes,…
How Are You?
I have struggled with this question since the moment Ben received his diagnosis. Those are usually the first words out of someone’s mouth when they see me, and then a look immediately crosses their face and I suspect they are thinking one of two things: “God. That was a stupid question to ask. Why did I ask her that? How the Hell do I…
Grief Lessons in Nature
This past week, in between various errands and chores and work tasks, I took an hour or so to go for a walk at one of my favorite hiking trails nearby. It’s been on my mind ever since, for a few reasons. I don’t really take time to myself out in nature anymore like I used to. Life is so much busier now and there just never seems to be time.
Grief Travels
Next week I am flying interstate to visit another widow who has become my grief sister. I have been so excited for this trip, and I still cannot wait to see her. But this morning when I woke, for the first time in a while, I woke full of fear. I woke and wished that John was coming with me. I wished I could join him. And for the most part since I…
The Meaning of Teeth
Sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I’ve had that recurring thought/feeling quite often recently. It will hit me when I’m doing routine tasks like brushing my teeth or vacuuming. Like a big internal sigh. It all seems meaningless sometimes. I just couldn’t quite put my finger on that feeling. How to describe it without…
What Remains
Filling in for Alison today…she will be back next week! ******************************** As a young woman entering into adulthood with lofty goals, sterling ideals, and great hope for the future I could have easily created a long list of my personal beliefs. This list would have included ideas about both the tangible and the intangible; broad…
(Not) Every Day is Special
July is here. Megan’s birth month. Although her birthday isn’t until late, the 24th, just the fact that it’s this month serves as a near constant reminder. Every day in July, I consciously wonder how many days it is until the 24th. It’s a passing thought mostly. “It’s the 7th. Hmm…17 days until her birthday. Oh, it’s…
Meet Wendy and Ben
On April 8, 2015, the strong, steadfast, honourable, mighty, kind, dedicated-to-the-safety-of-the-country, 46 year young Ben Saint-Onge, known as “The Titan,” was told that he had cancer. A rare and incurable type of cancer that chooses it’s prey without rhyme or reason. Just bad luck, they say. You fucking think? Ben and I had shared…
Where Does It Go?
Where do they go? The memories that you shared with your partner, your person. The moments, that existed, only between you and he, that now exist, only inside your heart. That time, that place, that way he used to tilt his head to the side or fold his arms across his chest when he was looking at me like I was nuts. Or the way he…
Say Goodbye to the Fridge
I got a new fridge this week. Well, new to me. My old one just stopped defrosting itself and a repairman told me it wasn’t worth the cost of repair. So once a week we were standing there with a hairdryer. A friend of mine was redoing her condo and needed to get rid of a fridge, so I hired a handyman to move it to my house and take the old one to…
Dusky Nights into Morning~
I am without him. I say this without pity. It’s more of a sense, even these 4 years later, of disbelief. It’s still surreal. Sometimes I imagine him as a hologram, striding towards me…Nights are for sleep but they are also when my mind opens up as my body strives to relax past the exhaustion of a day spent being present and open to life.