As a widow, my relationship with time is strained and worn. In the past, I assumed that I had at least twenty more years with Mike, but I didn’t. He and I ran out of time. There was simply not enough time. For reasons I do not know or understand, we were not given more time together. And, now, without him, there is too much time. Too much time…
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Accepting Fear
Last week, I wrote about dealing with fear. More specifically, the fear of more bad things happening. Of the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think it’s normal when you’ve experienced any major loss to begin to fear another one coming. So for the past six months or so, I’ve been having an increasingly big fear of someone else…
Trauma Triggers: Is This Still a Thing?
In July, it will have been 8 years since my husband’s sudden death from cardiac arrest bulldozed into my life. Eight years. There are so many days when I trick myself into thinking that Im really okay now and maybe this wont affect me anymore. And then I get knocked over by something such as this ……. On Wednesday, I went to the gym…
Empathy? Please Sir, May I Have Some More?
I find that my deams often reveal the detail of my grief. In a recent dream, my wife was scolding me for my parenting approach, “You too often let her get away with not eating fruits and veggies!” Clearly, I have not moved on from feelings of self-doubt about my parenting skills. I know most parents struggle with healthy food…
Widowing and Renaisance Faires
My motto, since Chuck died, is push your boundaries. Stretch your comfort zones. Go where you’ve never gone before. It hasn’t been difficult to do this, honestly. Chuck died in southern CA, in our 4th year on the road. I had no home to return to; we’d sold it, and our belongings, years before, to go adventuring. So I was already well accustomed to…
Quality Time
You may have noticed that last Tuesday, there was no post from me. In short, we had a major power outage at my work, starting the Sunday prior, and being the only IT person, it fell to me keep the business running. I left home Sunday evening, towards the office, and I was there until 3 A.M. or so. Then home for a few hours, then back to the…
Wanderlust 2
Wanderlust take 2. I need to see new things. And, also, I need to see the same things – somewhere else. I need to stand on different street corners. And, walk roads that lead to new people and places. I need to breathe the air – somewhere else. Anywhere else. I feel like I am holding my breath, Living here in the outskirts of my old life.
Dealing with Fear
This past six months or so I’ve been noticing a bit of a looming feeling in the background of my mind. Things in my life are relatively dialed in for the time being. I have a new life, a family, a routine of day to day things. I have dealt with enough of the bigger stressors that I now have more time and energy to tackle and explore smaller…
Wanted: Aspiring Assistant Manager
Eleven months and from the outside I have everything together but on the inside I still am an unorganized man just trying to make it day by day. There are dishes in the sink since Tuesday. I haven’t vacuumed in a week and my dog hasn’t had nearly enough of my attention.The rush of responsibility in the week leaves little time to think and I’m…
Repeating Repetitive Things
I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. Why did this have to happen? How do I come to a place where things make more sense? How do I blend my life today with the life I never finished? Why do I get to keep living and he doesnt? How will it ever be okay that he won’t experience new things? Will the missing of him ever get less intense? How do…
Comparing, Comparing and more Comparing
One of the most fundamental aspect of our species is that we are constantly comparing everything. Walking down the street, our brains are constantly comparing the faces of strangers to faces of people we know. Isn’t that? …no, she’s too tall to be her. Comparing helps us cross the street and be safe—we have an image of a safe…
Grief. Secondarily~
The easy affection between us. The teasing. The flirtatious wink across the room from him to me. The sensation of electricity skimming across my skin when he entered a room where I was, even before I saw him.The passion. Holding hands. The sweet kisses that lasted for at least 30 seconds because I’d read a book about relationships early on in our…