This week I found myself participating in some very strange widow behavior, searching google earth for images of my husband when he was still alive. It started last week when I was using the program to check an address and noticed there is a sliding time line in Google Earth where you can go back weeks/months/years and see satellite images from…
young widow
Time Piece
I never forget that I’m a widow. I never forget that my husband is dead forever. I never forget my reality. But … There are times. Moments. Feelings. There is being with my family, staying at my parent’s house, like this weekend, and getting lost inside of something that is beyond my widowhood – something that sees far past my life without my…
A Momentary Lapse
I said to my stepdaughter yesterday after another conversation about some of the fallout in our lives since her Dad died, wow, we’ve learned so much about grief. It’s not something we asked for, but now we understand things like what to say and what not to say to people in mourning. And we can relate to other people who are experiencing loss, with…
This Woman I Do Not Know
Many have posted all over the net, and here, how the death of Robin Williams has affected them. Their surprise… or degree there of. The loss of his creativity and ability to shower abundant joy on others. Of how his catalogue of work is central to their childhood and youth. The stories of someone who, by the reports, was a kind and generous…
I Never Dream
I never dream about Dave. This doesn’t make sense to me. He was the most important person in my life for 15 years. We were so close and we spent so much time together. Where is he in my dreams? I dream of people who’ve barely been in my life at all instead. I have stress dreams about teaching like I used to have every late summer as fall…
To Be the Giver
Every once in a while, something slams into us without warning. On a hot summer night two years ago, it was the phone call, with my father-in-law on the other end of the line telling me that the love of my life was in a crash while flying, and he didn’t make it. His death slammed into me like two planets colliding. And then this week, on another…
Taking time out
Self-care can be taking the time to enjoy the light and scent of a beautiful candleThis week I started out wanting to write about how difficult it’s been facing the onslaught of traditional and social media commentary on Robin Williams’ death, from the point of view of a suicide widow. I wanted to talk about how it felt to read the ignorant,…
Robin Williams and The Door
As heartbroken as I am about the death of Robin Williams, I am not entirely shocked. Not entirely. I recall about 4 or 5 months ago maybe, seeing him as a guest on some late night talk show. (cannot remember which one) I remember distinctly thinking to myself that he looked exhausted, withdrawn, and old. Not old in the way that he got gray hair…
Gathering Rosebuds
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,Old time is still a-flying;And this same flower that smiles todayTomorrow will be dying. -Robert Herrick Robin Williams died this week. Too early. He was in pain. Hard for us all out here who didn’t know him personally to imagine this, seeing only what he gave us in his performances – so much laughter, so much…
Wow, What a Widow Brain
I had intended to write about the crappiness of turning 40 over the weekend as a widow. How much I wish Ian was here to mark this milestone, and because he’s not, I had no real desire to celebrate or really mark the occasion. But have friends insisting that I do so (so compromised with a very expensive dinner for a small group of friends). But then…
Compounding
In the car the other day an Iron and Wine song came on. I’ve never paid attention to the lyrics before but suddenly, they penetrated and I heard them for the first time. It’s not a new topic for a song: a soldier at war, missing his wife and kid and finally coming home. However, I wasn’t expecting the twist at the end…And I want to see my…
Carry On, Phenomenon
It’s been a while since I’ve cried like I did tonight. And it wasn’t because of anything profound happening. It was just because of a movie. I went out to see The Hundred Foot Journey. It was a beautiful movie and a well-told story. And I am a big foodie, so I always love a movie that bubbles with a deep, soulful love of food. The part that really…