…… these are our wedding rings. A circle in a circle. I had them put together like this at about 9 – 10 months out. I wear them on a necklace. I haven’t worn them in a while, but lately, I’ve felt a strong pull to wear them. A lot. I don’t know why and I’ve learned to not question things that I feel pulled to do. I have also felt the…
widowed suddenly
All the dumb things*
… people say. Last week, a teacher I like and respect was chatting to me in the staff room before school. She said “I’ve been widowing all weekend because my husband was away. Amanda, I don’t know how you do it”. ..and I know, I KNOW that these kinds of comments often make the collective blood of widows begin to simmer.But I didn’t bite…
Scary
Everything is so damn scary for me these days. Just speaking up and saying what I think feels like too much of a risk. It’s as though my confidence died with Dave. I know I’m courageous only because I can see now that I acted many times since Dave died despite nearly crippling fear. But I don’t feel courageous. I feel so scared that I want to curl…
Grief is….
Grief Is … Grief is that feeling where nothing is flat. There are mountains and hills and mud, and giant pieces of glass. There is fire and lightning and floods, and you are walking in it, without any shoes on. In the dark. Grief is scolding hot and chilled to the bone. It gets in your nails and leaves you unwhole.Grief is being jealous of…
A New Perspective
The moment I walked out of my front door in Michigan for the last time, tears fell without warning and without permission. It was as if my body knew what my mind wouldn’t allow me to think about or dwell on – that I was leaving behind a huge history and pieces of my heart that would never be found in any other place (cue Monica from Friends…
A Really Bad Night ……
…… and day. I wrote this post for my blog yesterday. I don’t have the energy to write anything else at the moment. So you get to experience what I experienced. Buckle your seat belts. I’m staying in NY an extra day, though I’d much rather be on my way to Texas than sitting here, feeling what I’m feeling.Last night, at some time after midnight,…
Changes
What follows is my own opinion. I know it is not everyone’s and I am truly glad to live in a country where I am free to vote for whomever I wish. I am grateful to have a vote when so many women are denied this right. …and I also appreciate the freedom to express my opinions here. Well, we’ve had a bit of a change over here in the past…
Letter
I was looking through my miscellaneous writing pieces and found this letter I wrote myself during my writing workshop circle many months ago. The prompt we’d be given was to imagine you’re yourself from the future writing to the present you. I think I may have posted this before, but once is not enough for this one. I wish my internal voice always…
An unexpected surprise
We are settling into our new home here in West Virginia. It’s a strange experience to live your entire life in one region and then move somewhere completely different in your thirties….but, I feel called here, and our family is loving it so far. And I’ve got lots to keep me busy!One day last week, I decided to take a drive around and see the area…
I Wish I’d Never Met You ……
…… but then, I’m sure you feel the same way. And we’re all ok with that. It’s probably safe to say that none of us would ever have met one another, had we not experienced the loss of half of our heart. Had Jim not died, I’d most likely still be writing funny stories about our family …… not stories about learning how to survive what happened…
Father’s Day
Last Sunday was Father’s Day. A day that I try to put on a happy, life-can-still-be-good smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes. A day that I try to acknowledge with the children in a way that is not morbid. A day that always makes me feel sad. Not long after I woke, I heard sobs coming from my son’s room. This is the child who was 5 when his…
New Brain
I love memoirs. I read a memoir a week, I’d estimate. The last one I read was not one of my favorites in regard to writing style, but it was about a woman who’d had an aneurysm and her subsequent healing. In the book, she lists the mental symptoms she and other aneurysm patients often struggle with. As I read the list, I realized with a shock…