My brain is still more disorganized than it was before Dave died. I marvel in an almost morbid way, at the dementia-like symptoms I still exhibit. They’d be funny if they weren’t so embarrassing and worrisome. I wish I could laugh them off but I feel shame about them. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m in a state of mild…
Widowed Emotions
Shadow Boxing~
Caves and shadows and darkness and not being able to see around you. It could be frightening. Or it could be maybe okay.We live in a hurry up culture and we live in a culture where you’re supposed to be happy and positive and everything is feel good. With an occasional momentary break for a worldwide tragedy but life gets very quickly back…
Avoidance
Avoidance has been a common theme for me in my journey.I avoid thinking about or dealing with Ian’s death by overloading myself with work and study.And I’m still doing that to a degree, but I have a counsellor who’s poking and prodding me along the journey of dealing with it all.But now I find I’m avoiding going back into the workforce. I…
Identities
I had a session with my beloved therapist the other day. I filled her in on what had happened since I’d last seen her and then she said “What do you think about coming to see me? Do you think you’re ready for a break?” and it was as if I’d expected her to ask me.I was only slightly hesitant to say yes. She asked me what came up for me as I’d…
Waiting
I think I’m confused. Am I actually doing better? Have I turned a very large corner? Is the worst of this hell actually behind me? Or is there no such thing as that being true? Am I about to set myself up for a ginormous fall? Like I said, I think I’m confused.Last Sunday was the 3 year death anniversary. I wrote about it in here last week. I was…
My Mind’s Eye
Sometimes I’d swear Mike is here with me. I keep getting the sensation of his presence…or maybe, my mind and heart are just working overtime to remember. To remember how it felt when he was in the room with me. The sound of his breath, his footsteps…how he looked, the familiar freckles on his forearms, his latest mustache creation, his…
Time. Seriously.
Time carries a different meaning now, since Chuck died. I shuddered the other day when I realized that he’s been dead for 15 months. In our 24 years together, we’ve never been apart this long.15 months. I still don’t remember what it felt like to have him next to me and it still kills me that this is so. I look at pictures and they are…
Getting My Feet Wet
I’m struggling tonight. A mix of emotions are coursing through my veins… as is always the case with anything new on this journey. Why does every single new thing have to pull at my gut with uneasiness for the fact that he is not here? *sigh*Today my Crossfit class had a water workout at the lake. Swimming, kayaking, lots of hard work and fun.
Rose-scented Conversations
Language has changed for me in this time since Chuck died.I’m certain I’m not the only one who has heard people say “Your fillintheblank would want you to be happy”. Happy is one of the words that has changed for me. Happiness is a fleeting thing and I’m not concerned about being happy. Life is deeper than that for me now. I hope someday I…
Lost Time
John’s hospital stay threw me out of sync. Not just in terms of the stress that came out of that situation with the additional health implication for him because of Daddy’s illness, but I’ve lost another week of time in my brain… I still feel like I lost a year. Over the weekend our church community celebrated the marriage of two members,…
Fear Armor
My guy is currently on his way to learn to paraglide. I couldn’t go with him because of a prior engagement so I’m waiting to hear that he is back on the ground. I know he’s more likely to die in a car crash than on this contraption in the air today, but many things could go wrong. Most likely they won’t, but they could. I’ll be anxious, but only in…
Here I Go Again on My Own
Being here in the United States on my own this week has been a very enlightening experience. I have had moments of feeling vulnerable and isolated and also moments of incredible confidence, like I can take on the world. After my husband died it’s been a struggle to adjust to being alone again. I know I can do things without him – I just don’t…