There’s a story I’ve been wanting to share here for a while now. It is one my grief counselor has encouraged me to tell, as he’s felt it could be of help to others. So here goes. It’s been roughly two and a half years since my fiancé died, very suddenly, in a helicopter crash. I’ve gone through unimaginable pain. I’ve wanted to climb out of my own…
Widowed Emotions
No Circle
Not sure what I want to write about tonight, but I will begin by telling you where I am. Lobby of Marriott hotel, Tampa, Florida. Attending and presenting my comedic performance for the 6th time at Camp Widow. All of the camp events officially begin in the morning, but Ive been here since yesterday afternoon, and have already reconnected with old…
Dust
Honestly…sometimes the hardest part about writing here each week is figuring out what notto write. I know many of my family and friends read this, so sometimes I try to be careful about revealing any of the darkest parts of my soul. I don’t want to worry them because I am not naturally a gloom and doom type of person. I’m pretty upbeat and…
Not this…But, oh yes, This
Grief illiteracy has been on my mind quite a bit in the last couple weeks. Even if you don’t know that term, you’ll know what I mean when I tell you about my face-to-face with it. And you’ll nod your head and say to yourself (or to the room in general)….oh, yes….I keep a personal blog in addition to writing for Widows Voice, and I have for…
The Monk’s Room
Perhaps it is the frozen weather that has me frozen in my grief. I am not certain of the reason. I only know that, this week, I have felt the full weight of his absence. In 8 days, it will be eight months since my husband died. It feels like a whole lifetime has passed, since he left us. It feels like it happened yesterday. I sit with both…
The Long Cycle
I’ve been aware for a few days or so that the anniversary march is starting up for me again. John’s birthday, Surgery day, Illness day, Death day. A long 5 months.This year, although actually a whole lot better at this point than the last two, there have been some bells ringing that I just couldn’t put my finger on.Until a bout of insomnia last…
Living with “After” Shock
Something I feel many people don’t understand about losing your partner is that there are many, many subsequent losses. It’s something all of you understand, or will come to. Like aftershock from an earthquake, they continue to shake our foundation for YEARS after the initial tragedy. It can be the smallest things, like the first time you…
A Cuppa Tea
This has been a difficult week. I have re-entered the work arena, on a ‘phased return’, as they call it, here in England, and, Tuesday, I had to go speak to someone from Occupational Health, to justify my time away, and my continuing to work part-time for a few more weeks. This meant I had to recount the story of the tragic day my husband died.
Disconnected by Pain
Last weekend, both my sister and my best friend were out of town on (separate) family holidays when my grief decided it might be a good time to roll on up and knock me around for a bit. Knowing I was in for a quiet weekend, I had set myself a few tasks around the house and planned to lay low, catch up on laundry and housework, do some cooking for…
Catch
The other day, my cat Sammy was lying on the couch, when my other cat Autumn jumped up next to him. She looked at Sammy for a few seconds, and then started to slowly lick him and clean him all over his face and neck. This went on for awhile. Then, she sort of kissed his nose a bit, and slowly sat herself down right next to Sammy, leaning against…
Hurricane Grief
Last weekend a friend who is dear to me and was dear to Mike since nearly the day we moved to Kona in 2001 had a terrible asthma attack. This young man was 11 when we met him. He is now 25, so we have seen him grow up into a young adult. He and his mom were devoted students of Mike’s for many years in martial arts, and since his father was not…
Winter’s Snow
On this bleak, grey, England winter’s day, I remember the comforting quiet of snow. Stan loved the snow. He would sit for hours, watching it. When we first began to talk to each other, he told me that he wanted to move to the Northeastern coast of England, near Whitby, where he said they had a ‘proper winter’. Proper winter? I had moved to England…