Widow's Voice

Time. Seriously.

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Time carries a different meaning now, since Chuck died. 

I shuddered the other day when I realized that he’s been dead for 15 months.  In our 24 years together, we’ve never been apart this long.

15 months.  I still don’t remember what it felt like to have him next to me and it still kills me that this is so.  I look at pictures and they are only memories, times that will never be again.

And yet. 

And yet, it was only a heart beat since he and I danced in Death Valley in what would turn out to be our last dance. 

Time and distance and memories and heart break and grief that doesn’t kill you and you wonder why but you have to build a life so you do.  You do your damndest to create a life that will shout and scream defiance to death but nothing seeps into your heart which holds so much grief but also Love because he left so much behind and that’s what you’re living on.  Well, that and chocolate.  And diet pepsi.

I’m still young, though I shudder to think what my insides look like after eating like shit for 15 months and not exercising.  Theoretically, I could live for another 30 years. 

30 years without him….no, I don’t like that idea at all. 

So, I don’t think of those years.  I don’t think of next year or next month or even tomorrow.  I look down at my feet and see where I’m standing and I stay right here.  Anything else is too painful to contemplate.

He was in my life forever, or 24 years, whichever came first.  He’s been gone for 15 months, or forever, whichever comes first.  I’ll live the rest of my life without him, however you count.

In this life of without-ness, I send a wish to the Universe that I may create a life canvas of such beauty and color that all who observe it, even for an instant, will be in awe of the startling swaths of Love that swirl and dip within it, and know that it is all in memory and honor of this man, my husband, who so loved me, and who was so loved by me.  That this Love will seek its’ deepest point within me and radiate outwards in such a way that the world is blinded by its’ shine.  Let Love shimmer and burst  forth until I truly become my daily mantra….Nothin’ But Love…

Let Love shine~

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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