My brain is in overdrive these days and all day today I’ve been contemplating what it is I’ll write about for this week’s blog. I usually let my writing happen viscerally. So here goes. Last Sunday our oldest son got married against the backdrop of Sedona Arizona. One of those milestones of life that will cause our grief to rise up in us,…
Widowed Emotions
Living Perpetually in Fear
I have built my entire life around the fear of loss. I’ve had a string of losses, in my adult life, perhaps more than most. Each loss dug deeper wounds into my heart. Each loss wove more fear into the sorrow I felt. Each loss added layers of protection to my spirit. I came to England in a flight from grief, after the loss of my sister and my…
Losing my ‘Widginity’
Ok. So. A LOT of things have happened in the past week for me. And just days ago, one of the biggest new firsts happened. One I have wondered about and feared and dreaded for two and a half years. I can’t even believe I’m going to share this… like, PUBLICLY, but it’s part of the journey. So here goes. I spent this past week up in the Alaskan…
The Chill
It is 4 degrees tonight in NYC. Four. There is a wind chill factor of negative “what the f**#k???”, and I can feel the missing of my husband inside every aching joint and bone. The missing of him sits in my veins tonight like ice – making my eyelids and my teeth and my fingertips hurt. Really. There are sometimes days or weeks that will go by…
A Forgotten Card
Ian and I never particularly did Valentines day. Although I *like* getting the gifts and stuff, I never felt it a necessity. It’s a more than a bit over-commercialised to me, which is thankfully quite a protective view-point in my after. But the day still holds memories. Some good. Some that trigger a sense of guilt.John was born in the late…
My Forever Valentine
I’ve been back home, in Brisbane, Australia, for a couple of days now. As it seems to go with most vacations, it’s so good to go away and then it’s so good to get home. Getting off the plane after the 13-hour flight from LA and walking in to the arms of my wonderful parents, who came to town to collect me from the airport, was a good feeling.
The Dance of Anger
This weekend, my widowed sisters (and brothers) have been basking in sun and friendship in my old stomping grounds, Tampa, Florida, at a Camp Widow weekend, sponsored by Soaring Spirits Foundation, and organised by Michele Neff Hernandez, the founder of this blog, and of Soaring Spirits. I have thought about them during this weekend, and wished to…
A House for His Soul
There’s a story I’ve been wanting to share here for a while now. It is one my grief counselor has encouraged me to tell, as he’s felt it could be of help to others. So here goes. It’s been roughly two and a half years since my fiancé died, very suddenly, in a helicopter crash. I’ve gone through unimaginable pain. I’ve wanted to climb out of my own…
No Circle
Not sure what I want to write about tonight, but I will begin by telling you where I am. Lobby of Marriott hotel, Tampa, Florida. Attending and presenting my comedic performance for the 6th time at Camp Widow. All of the camp events officially begin in the morning, but Ive been here since yesterday afternoon, and have already reconnected with old…
Dust
Honestly…sometimes the hardest part about writing here each week is figuring out what notto write. I know many of my family and friends read this, so sometimes I try to be careful about revealing any of the darkest parts of my soul. I don’t want to worry them because I am not naturally a gloom and doom type of person. I’m pretty upbeat and…
Not this…But, oh yes, This
Grief illiteracy has been on my mind quite a bit in the last couple weeks. Even if you don’t know that term, you’ll know what I mean when I tell you about my face-to-face with it. And you’ll nod your head and say to yourself (or to the room in general)….oh, yes….I keep a personal blog in addition to writing for Widows Voice, and I have for…
The Monk’s Room
Perhaps it is the frozen weather that has me frozen in my grief. I am not certain of the reason. I only know that, this week, I have felt the full weight of his absence. In 8 days, it will be eight months since my husband died. It feels like a whole lifetime has passed, since he left us. It feels like it happened yesterday. I sit with both…