Thats how my brain feels right now. Like a jumbled up fog. Its messy inside there. Nothing is organized. Thoughts are not linear or neatly cataloged. Will they ever be again? I dont know. It often feels as though my brain has been hijacked. This one I have been left with isn’t as adventurous, or […]
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9 Years
Not sure what to say really. July 13th was the 9 year death day of my husband Don. I dont like to call it an “anniversary”, since that word feels like something that should be celebrated with cake and champagne and parties. This year felt exhausting to me, and also, maybe I was too tired […]
The Evolution of Grief part 1 (of many)
Now, at 3.8 years, my grief is not just about Mike. It’s not that I don’t miss him now, I do. I miss him endlessly. I say “I miss you Mike” many, many times each day. But, now the uncertainty surrounding my future is what really gets to me. My focus is on me and not simply surviving his death. I have done this. I have survived Mike dying. And, now, I am attempting to thrive in the life I am slowly and meticulously recreating from scratch without a recipe to follow. Like all widowed people, I am rebuilding my life and discovering my new self-identity and this is a long and tedious process. But, this process is necessary. It is part of the evolution of grief. Eventually, grief becomes ours – for ourselves. It’s not about my dead spouse anymore… it’s about me. I am the one who is still living. And, you are too.
When Covid Strikes
Hello Everyone. This may be one of the longest blog posts Ive ever written in here. If you make it to the end, congratulations, and also thank you for reading. Im hoping that by sharing some of the specifics of our story, others can know a bit more about this mystery covid virus, and maybe […]
Trying to Fake the 4th
Happy 4th of July everyone. I hope it can be the best you can make it! I’m trying over here but I’m not very successful. Today would have been Tin and my 6th year anniversary. Three years ago I celebrated the last 4th of July with Clayton. We were up in Massachusetts for my father’s […]
Just Reality That Hasn’t Happened Yet – A Letter to the Year 2020
Dear 2020, We are in an abusive relationship and I’m going to have to ask you to please stop. Some days you bring me amazing exciting happy events and than the next you throw a curveball of stress or sadness at the state of the world right now. I think the hardest part of our […]
Love is the Cure…
I can only help ease the void he left with love itself.
When I miss Mike what I’m missing is love.
How can I solve this absence of love with anything but love?
Love is the cure here – I know this.
Bring It…
Since he died, I have reestablished my life with the exception of my love life. Around the three year mark, I realized that I had to address this missing component of my life without Mike. I acknowledged that I desperately miss being part of a couple and I accepted that I would do something about this. It was no secret to me, I liked being in love and I longed for the feelings that go along with being madly in love. Daily, I have been missing this intangible stuff of love. I continually hungered for what I lost when Mike died. And, for me, I knew that I could not be wholly satisfied alone. I remember how much richer my life was with Mike and because of this I am simply not satisfied on my own.
Parallels
Photo by Jonathan Pendleton on Unsplash Like just about everyone with a heart on the planet, I have been saddened, distraught and moved to tears many times these past couple of weeks as the upwelling of grief and anger in the US (and the UK, and France, to name just a couple of other places), over race, bias, […]
Addendum
Now, at 3.6 years, change is no longer just something I think about. It is something I NEED. It has become a requirement. I must action change because I am slowly dying here in suburbia.
I can not stay still any longer than necessary. In order to be a good mom, I have to make changes next year when my youngest son graduates. I have to take a leap of faith and just move forward into an uncertain future. I feel it. I am brave enough to finally just go for it and live my life. I am not sure how everything will unfold, but that scares me less than staying here in suburbia. I was made for bigger things. I feel it in my bones…
I am still dealing with the fall out from Mike’s sudden death.
Death is heavy stuff.
It takes time to sort through the wreckage that follows the death of your spouse.
Mike’s death left me with so many questions. I had to recreate my identity. Wow. Yikes, that is a bit daunting at the best of times, never mind in the middle of the shit sandwich that is grief. Figuring out one’s identity is a humongous task. I spent hours and hours sifting through the fragments of me that survived his death and I carefully and thoughtfully mixed those pieces into my new psyche.
Even while weighed down by the heaviness of early grief, I knew that I had to figure out who I was – without him. I had to rediscover my being. The woman I am without Mike is pretty fabulous. I like her a lot and I know that he would love her very much. I am many of the things I was when Mike walked the Earth, but I have evolved into so much more.
Mike’s death has taught me a lot about living. Ironic isn’t it. That is the beauty of life. It is one crazy ride. I am forever grateful to Mike for influencing my life and who I am. And, that man continues to love on me from wherever he is now, I feel it.
Life, Interrupted
When I come in here lately, I almost hate to talk about covid-19, just because its what everyone else is talking about, and what more can be said, really? But then I think about how much this covid situation is like grief, and how it IS grief, and how we are all going through the […]
Limitless
This past weekend, Soaring Spirits International hosted and put on a “Telethon for Hope” – 2 back to back days, or 24 hours (with a short overnight break in between each day) on May 1st and May 2nd , of incredible and ongoing live entertainment – all from the safety and comfort of everyone’s individual […]