When I first became widowed, I had good friends and family practically begging me to go see a therapist or a grief counselor. Why? Because after a few months of me being widowed, they were sick of me talking to them, and crying constantly, and being depressed all the time, and they were probably sick of not knowing what the hell to say to me or what to do with me and my widow-ness. (is that a word? it is now.)
My feelings about therapy and counseling were very different than how my friends and family felt. I had never had a therapist in my entire life, at the time of being widowed. My impression of them was based solely on the movies, TV, and what I had heard from friends with therapists. I pictured some stuffy person with thick rimmed glasses and a chip on their shoulder sitting across from me , taking notes on everything I said, silently judging me, asking me a thousand times about my relationship with my mother and how that makes me feel, and then collecting an obscene amount of money from me that I didnt have. I went to my first grief counseling session kicking and screaming, and convinced that it would not be for me.
It took me meeting with 3 other counselors that didnt work, to meet the one that did work. Caitlin. If there is such a thing as a grief counselor soulmate, she was mine. She was perfect for me. She swore a lot, she let me swear a lot, she was unconventional, so honest, gave incredible feedback, and really truly cared about me. She ended up writing the Foreword in my book, and our sessions became a big part of my book, because I wanted to share her wise words with others so I could give them a dose of her awesomeness. The best part – she never charged me a penny. She knew I was struggling financially, and that my husbands death was sudden and I was left with nothing (except more bills I couldnt pay) – so she worked with me pro bono and told me that one day I could pay it forward to someone else in need. I asked her what she meant by that, and she told me: “I think you would be perfect for this kind of work. So one day when you decide to help others process through their grief and their losses, you can give someone a break who needs it.”
She was and IS a very smart woman. We still talk these days, mostly by email, and next time Im in NYC we will probably meet up for lunch or a glass of wine and chat. And then I will be able to tell her that after all these years, at age 50, Ive decided to take the grief counseling courses and get certified as a grief counselor. She knows I already speak with a small handful of widowed people on phone or zoom and help them through their grief, for a very small cost, and that those people dont much care what kind of certification I have or dont have – they care that Im widowed and I “get it.” But if I want to reach out more and help others in addition to widowed people, I think its a good idea to be certified so that Im more “official”, in addition to having lived experience with loss. So, as soon as I can save up the money for the classes, Ill be taking them – studying – taking exams – and looking forward to getting that certification in the mail. It even looks like I will have a place to work as a grief counselor locally, if Im interested in pursuing it. Nothing is set in stone with that, but an opportunity has been talked about with a local Wellness Center, and I look forward to more talking. So now the same woman who hated the entire idea of going to a counselor – has the opportunity to be the kind of counselor that even I would look forward to going to see.
Never in a million years would I have guessed that grief counseling or grief ANYTHING would be such a huge part of my life, or turn into such a huge passion for me. Never would I have guessed that Id do a TED talk about losing a spouse, or that Id write a book about it, or that Id give multiple presentations and talks about it, or have so many friends who are also widowed. As a kid, my dream was to move to NYC and be on “Saturday Night Live.” Although Id still love for that to happen and would still love to live out those dreams of performing and acting and being in that world, in many ways, making widowed people laugh with my comedic presentations at CAMP WIDOW is so much more meaningful, important, and incredibly satisfying. And if I can possibly make a living helping people through loss, than I wont have to drive a school van for the rest of my life – or keep picking up 97 odd part-time jobs to keep surviving. Maybe I can finally make the leap from surviving, to thriving, and helping others to thrive also.
I never pictured that the thing that would make me feel the most alive, would be talking about death.
Then again, I never pictured being widowed at age 39, or being married twice by age 50, or being a first-time home owner at age 50. So many places this life has taken me that I did not see coming, and so much more that I probably wont see coming. But after years of struggling post-loss, and years of feeling like I was only existing instead of really wanting to LIVE again, I am finally in a place where I am once again in the drivers seat of my life, and I like where it might be going.
Stay tuned.