Eight years after sudden loss, I often have the feeling that maybe Im okay. Maybe I have finally moved past all of the trauma surrounding ‘that day”. Maybe it will now sit in the background like a dull hum, soothing me instead of harming me. Or maybe that’s a lie. This morning, I was eating […]
Scared
On March 15th, I will be moving into an apartment with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, Nick. We signed the lease on Valentines Day. (which was just a coincidence, but ended up feeling somewhat romantic and sweet). Over the past 8 years since Don’s death, I have moved 3 different times, finally ending up back […]
Widowed Valentine’s Day
HAPPY WIDOWED VALENTINES DAY! Yes, it’s that time again. Why don’t they have cards that say “I love you, but you’re dead”, or “Kiss Me! No, wait, don’t. You’re dead and that’s creepy.” Or “I cuddle with your Urn”, or “You Never Bring Me flowers, cuz you’re dead.”
The Kitties Can’t Come
A large part of the story of Don and Kelley is our kitties. He loved animals, and over our years together, we had our little family of kitty cats. Isabelle and Ginger are over the rainbow bridge now, but I still have Autumn and Sammy, who we adopted together from a rescue shelter in NJ. These 2 cats have stayed with me all throughout losing Don to…
Moving In and Scared to / of Death
For the first 5 years after my husbands sudden death, I remained living in the NYC/NJ area, trying to put the pieces of my life back together again. I worked 17 odd jobs at a time to pay the bills and rent, had roommates I was resentful for having, drove a shitty car which I then sold and landed a second, slightly less-shitty car, which then died a…
A bunch of curse words
So my entire post just disappeared. Just like my life. Just like my husband. Im so incredibly annoyed right now. I wrote a brilliant post. It was off the top of my head. It was called “Rebuild”, and it was this amazing metaphor all about having a house built and how if it took years to build a house and the builders kept making mistakes and then…
Rebuild
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Grief and Insomnia
Grief is a bitch. As is insomnia. As am I, when I don’t sleep. Eh, that’s not entirely true. It just sounded catchy. I hate when I can’t shut my mind down though, and it fills with thoughts of death-grief-trauma related things. Mostly; the thoughts always seem to come back to the simple heart aching fact that I will always miss Don , I hate that he…
Your Death is a Pain in the Ass Replay
Kelley Lynn is spending the weekend away from home, so we’re posting this replay of one of her blog posts from 2016. Enjoy! Beyond the missing of you ….. Beyond the not having my best friend, my teammate, my lover, my all-things-in-life go-to person …… Beyond not having our future to look forward to, or our today to live ….. …
Marinating
There is a space in my heart where that life that I knew now sits. It started somewhere around six or seven years after the loss. That is when the grief began to move from “always active”, to more of a “quiet state”, where it just sort of sits and hangs out, and then every now and then, something happens to awaken it, and Im brought…
Six Degrees of Don Shepherd
There are some days, still, where my late husband Don dies over and over again. Or at least it feels that way. As the years go by, all the things and all the people and all the ways that I am connected to Don Shepherd – they change. they alter. They die. And whenever this happens, it feels sort of like he is dying all over again. …
What Was and What Is
Life is pretty good. Eight and a half years later. I have my struggles. I have my hard days. I have my really, really, really hard days. But I also have good days. And I have really, really good days. I have joy. There was a time I thought there would never be joy. I have love. Beautiful, wonderful, chaotic, messy, complicated,…