So my entire post just disappeared.

Just like my life.

Just like my husband.

Im so incredibly annoyed right now.

I wrote a brilliant post.

It was off the top of my head.

It was called “Rebuild”,

and it was this amazing metaphor all about having a house built 

and how if it took years to build a house and the builders kept making mistakes

and then had to tear it down,

and start over,

multiple times,

you would fire them. 

But in widowhood,

thats what we do, 

everyday. 

We rebuild and rebuild and rebuild,

and then tear down when its not working,

and start over.

My post was so good,

and now its gone. 

And now I have to rebuild it,

with this half-assed version of what I wanted to say,

because I cant remember the wording 

of how I had it the first time.

I clicked submit,

and the entire thing disappeared,

and showed up as PUBLISHED, 

but it only published the title,

not my words. 

And now Im pissed off,

and it was a great piece of writing,

that Im not going to be able to create a second time. 

Its exhausting to rebuild your life,

after the life you knew is gone. 

The biggest fear in doing so,

is that if you rebuild it,

and you actually like it,

or love it,

in time,

that it will disappear too. 

It will all come crumbling down,

and you will be left standing

Alone,

in the rubble. 

Again. 

 

My first post was way better. 

And now Im annoyed. 

Carry on. 

Much love to you all,

for getting up each day,

and starting over,

from wherever you are,

today. 

Most people have no idea

how incredibly hard that is. 

So BRAVO. 

It takes courage. 

To start your life again. 

when the one you had,

is taken away.