Grief is a bitch. As is insomnia. As am I, when I don’t sleep.
Eh, that’s not entirely true.
It just sounded catchy.
I hate when I can’t shut my mind down though, and it fills with thoughts of death-grief-trauma related things.
Mostly; the thoughts always seem to come back to the simple heart aching fact that I will always miss Don , I hate that he doesn’t get to live, and I wish like hell I had been a better wife and let him feel way more often, how much he meant to me. I also wish I had seen the ever so subtle warning signs that his heart was failing. The signs were very tiny, but now, years later – they slowly come into focus in pieces, to torture me.
Logically, I know its not my fault. I know that I couldnt control that he had a sudden hert attack. I know all of these things. But when Im laying here in the middle of the night and the insomnia comes and the thoughts invade, knowing all of that doesnt help. I just feel incredibly sad and I just wish like hell that I could have him here for 30 minutes or so, so I could let him know how much I love him and how he saved my life and made it better until the end of time. When I really stop and think about how short his life was, I just get so sad about it. I hate it. He was such an incredible person, and I miss knowing that he is out there in the world, making it better.
I really can’t say this enough: Love all your people hard. Show them. Tell them. Pay attention.
See them when they talk to you. Listen to their heart.
Let them know over and over how appreciated and cared for they are.
Try to realize that humans are flawed, and if you find one that you connect with in all your mutual weirdness, you are so incredibly lucky.
Let the smaller stuff go, and just love them fiercely.
In the end, nothing else really matters, and you probably will lie awake at night way less often.
Insomnia sucks.
Grief sucks.
Death sucks.
But love is powerful.
Life is brilliant,
and short.
For some, shorter than others.
Do everything you can to let the Love be what shines.
You definitely will not regret it.
