There is a space in my heart where that life that I knew now sits.
It started somewhere around six or seven years after the loss.
That is when the grief began to move from “always active”,
to more of a “quiet state”, where it just sort of sits and hangs out,
and then every now and then,
something happens to awaken it,
and Im brought back to that place of early grief.
The terror, the shaking, the loud crying.
That place where you can barely catch your breath.
It returns now and again,
as I imagine it always will.
But most of the time these days,
after eight and a half years,
the grief and the pain are sort of sitting.
Thats the best way to describe how I feel most of the time
these days –
like the knowing of losing everything I knew, and the person I was supposed to spend my life with,
its always there,
sitting and slowly bubbling.
It needs to be stirred now and then,
needs some attention,
as it marinates inside my heart.
Everything I do,
from today and forward,
whether sad or joyful –
that life and that knowing,
is a piece of it.
It is a part of me,
like something that I carry around,
and feel deeply,
and in a private way.
It adds both pain,
Pain because that person
is no longer here,
and I will miss them,
because I now know the secret
to living a beautiful life,
is to collect all of the Love,
and marinate in it,
Dont ever let go.
And if anyone tells you different,
or tries to take away any of that love –
you just tell them,
that you have earned it,
and you will hold onto it,