Last night I was hanging out with my boyfriend of 2 years, and we found ourselves laughing a lot together. Its not unusual for us to laugh together, but lately, we have been going through an extremely hard time , so laughing together felt like a gigantic sigh. A huge relief. Something needed. Something perhaps lost inside all of the stress,…
In Between …
At eight years post-loss, I am somewhere different than ever before, and yet, not quite where I would like to be. I am well past the soul-crushing, hopeless feelings of everyday existence. And still, there are days where my heart feels like it has stopped beating, or like there is a large boulder sitting on it, temporarily. At eight…
Paying Grief Forward
It has been eight years since my husband’s sudden death. In the beginning, there were days where I honestly didnt see myself ever living a life with meaning again. I didnt think I could feel joy again. I didnt know if it would be possible to take the pain and turn it into something that might help others. I didnt have the energy or the…
Widow Tired
Im Widow Tired. Tired of being widowed. Tired of milestone dates, grief triggers, and sleepless nights. Tired of the simplest things that used to be easy, taking me forever to accomplish. Tired of fearing the future, honoring the past, being in the moment. I want to be in the moment. Its just tiring to have to remind myself all the…
The E.R. and July
It is July right now, which means it is the countdown to “death day” once again. That day when I literally woke up, and my healthy, 46 yr old husband, had left for work, collapsed at work, been rushed by ambulance to the E.R., and, oh yeah – DIED. That day , July 13th, when I called a cab and then got into a cab – which I stll dont remember…
You Feel Far Away
It’s been almost 8 years since you died. I moved out of our apartment long ago. Then I moved again. And then again. Then I made a big move out of the NY area completely – leaving where we shared all of our years together. I have a totally different job than when you were alive. I’m going into real estate. I wrote about you. About us.We…
Summer Has a Feel …
Summer has a feel, for all who love it’s rays of sunshine family vacations lounging by the pool warm nights with just a twist of warm breezes. Ice-cream dripping down the cone, car rides with the top down, and tunes blasting. Carefree and endless guilt-free hours, sipping on tall iced-teas. Summer has a feel of drive-in…
When You Love Again…
When You Love Again, after life-altering loss – everything inside of you, freezes in terror, that you will again wake up, to the very real nightmare, of a world where all of it has disappeared. When You Love Again, after death has stolen your other life, and your partner – you fear looking forward or toward the future, because…
When Things are Hard …
Things are hard. Life is hard. Sometimes I am convinced that life is much harder for some than for others. Sometimes it feels like I can never get a break. Sometimes it feels like I will always struggle and things will always be really hard, and that is just how my life will be. I dont know. None of this is fact. Just feelings. …
Shaken, Foggy, Shocked
Yesterday, I was driving to my Soaring Spirits Widowed Social Group meetup that I co-lead. We meet 2x per month, at various coffee shops and restaurants and such. We provide friendship, support, and a place to safely be our widowed selves, whether thats crying, laughing, venting, or anything in between. Yesterday we met at a new…
Nobody Remembers (Repeat)
Kelley Lynn is out of town this week and is not able to post her weekly Friday blog, so we went back to a post she wrote 5 years ago about the weight that comes with making sure our loved ones are remembered. Even five years later, we’ll bet that many of you can relate to her words… If you are widowed, and you are reading this, then you know…
Trauma Return
Yesterday something happened at a doctors office that sent me straight back into 23 years ago, when I just barely lived through a traumatic event, and joined the ranks in becoming the 2-words that I would grow to absolutely loathe ,and feel shame about for a very long time: rape victim. After awhile, I began shifting from using the term…