This weekend the kids and I embarked on another first without Tony. Two years and three months after his passing I accepted an invitation to go on a camping float trip. Tony loved the outdoors and for him all the prep work to camp was worth the effort. I went along for the ride because […]
Camp Widow Squad
Today I traveled home from my third trip to Camp Widow, San Diego. It is so hard to put into words how special this weekend is for me. For me, there is immense comfort in finding other widow(er)s who also lost their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé/person to suicide. Our loss is traumatic in a way that can be […]
Prepping For Camp Widow
In two days and 18 hours I will board a plane headed for Camp Widow San Diego! This will be my third camp. I’m so excited to go back and reconnect with my mighty squad of widows. I’m also looking forward to sleeping alone in a hotel room with no small humans demanding snacks. But […]
New Circles
A few weeks ago, my younger boys tried out with a competitive club soccer organization. Even though it’s a club, every kid that wants to join makes a team. Both kids happened to land on teams that have the same coach. Then, because I’m a sucker, I got roped into being the team manager for […]
Readying for Another Sweep
I have been getting the itch to start purging again. The first time I got rid of anything it was about 5 months after Tony died. I went through his clothes because it was something I knew. Heck, I probably purchased 75% of his wardrobe! I didn’t need to question what something was worth, where […]
Another One Down
Last week I was just feeling off. I didn’t go to my workout class once. All I wanted to do was eat chocolate, french fries, and curl up to escape into the fantasy saga I’m reading. It took me until Wednesday to realize it was probably in part because I was approaching our third Father’s […]
Undercurrent of Fear
Fear isn’t always something we always talk about with widowhood. Losing Tony to suicide has put an undercurrent of fear beneath all of us who held him dear. This isn’t to say that we live our lives in constant fear, but it creeps out faster for us. When I call my mom at a weird […]
Social Media Memories
I have a love hate relationship with the memories section of Facebook. I love looking back at pictures of the kids when they were little. Round faces, dimpled hands, and innocence. I hate that I don’t have more pictures of Tony with the kids, or just his legs made the shot. Seeing a photo of […]
Rollercoaster of Life
This week, I attended the 8th grade field trip to our local theme park. I was assigned a group of kids to check in with through the day, but they didn’t have to be actively chaperoned. So, with an entire day to spend in the park I found myself on a few rides. Hold on […]
Grief and Circumstances
I always miss Tony, but I found myself missing him at every turn this week. Our youngest was denied a spot on the soccer team with his friends again this year. I cannot help to think if Tony were here, he would be in the unofficial Dad Club where these decisions are made. I […]
Motherhood in May
I am tired. For parents of school aged children, May is a special hellscape. Spring sports are in full swing. There are last minute school projects to complete. Field day for the elementary kids. Band concerts. Fifth grade farewell and last day hallway walks for my middle one as he closes out his last year […]
Funeral Attendance
I went to a funeral this morning. That right there could be the whole post, right? Two years later and it’s still hard to sit through one without transporting myself back in time. The funeral was for a relative of Tony’s who I didn’t know that well. Therefore, I was there as a supporter versus […]