A few weeks ago, my younger boys tried out with a competitive club soccer organization. Even though it’s a club, every kid that wants to join makes a team. Both kids happened to land on teams that have the same coach. Then, because I’m a sucker, I got roped into being the team manager for one of the teams. Since I am the manager for one of the teams, I’ve already had more interaction with the coach than normal. So, I’d been having the internal debate on when I should tell Coach that Tony died.

It wasn’t a question of if I should tell him, but when. They will be playing soccer on this team for a full year. At some point they are going to have a rough day and a little background information is good. Coaches can play an important role in a kid’s life and sometimes my kids might need more care than their non-grieving teammates.

So, I sent the text this week:

My husband and the boys dad passed away a little over 2 years ago. They are all in a pretty good place for what they’ve been through. I thought it was something you should know in case they ever seem off emotionally. I’ll probably leave it up to them if and how they want to disclose it to their teammates.

Turns out he already knew. We knew a few families on one of the teams, so I assume they told him. He said he knew very little outside of the fact they’d lost a parent and it wasn’t his place to find out the whole story. His place is to help them on and off the field and everyone’s needs are a little different, but he will do the best he can.

Now I can check that conversation off my list. It’s always awkward when you enter a new circle. How and when to tell people. If I say my husband, will they assume he wasn’t the kids father? If I say the kids’ father, will they assume we weren’t married? Is it even weirder to list both? I don’t want them to assume they have a deadbeat dad. He’s not a deadbeat, he’s just dead.