I’m failing. No, not with mourning and recovery. That, my psychologist reassures me, I’m doing quite well with. In fact, he tells me that I’m doing extraordinarily well – best he’s seen. (Read the next word in your best dripping sarcasm voice:) Yaaaay! I’m failing at getting back into life.I’m just stuck and I don’t know how to get…
Blog
Ouch! again
Damn them. Damn the U.S. Postal Service for being the excellent trackers they are. And, damn life for it’s ongoing kick in the stomach. It has been 11 months since I moved away from our San Francisco home, in need of a fresh start with as few reminders as possible. It’s been two further moves once settled in San Diego. I didn’t want to spend the…
The Cannonization of Art
This post was prompted by two comments. One by a widow who confessed to me that her husband beat her. She said that she felt so alone because all these widow’s husband’s seemed so perfect and hers was far from it. Two. My oldest son’s conversation with me about his dad. When I asked him what he remembered about a certain situation, he only…
Have I Told you Lately
Tonight’s just a night that I want to share how grateful I am for the eternal gift that keeps on giving. The one that allows me to be more than my loss and suffering and the ability to rise above and fulfill all my hopes and dreams. The gift that quietly nudges me out of the dark into a bright future. The gift that answers my heart’s questions and…
a choice
I spend a lot of time loathing what has “become” of my life. Ruminating over the “before” and “after”. Taking stock of the injustice of losing my beloved so early in my life. Wishing life now was different.But when I imagine having a life that was so dramatically different and without the pain of Jeff’s death and all the repercussions from his…
after.
it’s pure joy to see maddy with her auntie (liz’s sister), the two of them, as close as they would have been if… well, you know. …sometimes it’s the after that defines things, and after everything that’s happened, i’m happy that this she is such a big part of our after.
A.D. – Marking Time After Daniel
I’ve always found it fascinating that much of the world – Christian and non-Christian alike – mark time in a way that acknowledges the existence of Christ. We are currently in the Year of Our Lord (Anno Domini) 2011. Using this same sort of starting point, I have marked the time A.D. (after Daniel) and am currently in the year 6 on this…
Empty Handed
It’s been a rough week. I’ve been an emotional mess, and have felt more vulnerable than I have in months. I don’t really know what brought it on either. I kept looking at the calendar, trying to find some reason, or meaning, behind all the tears I have been shedding this week, but just came up empty handed. Perhaps that’s just it, I feel empty…
Home is
Home is where you hang your heart, not only your hat. When Phil died, the four walls of my home became both a refuge and a prison. I hated going out; I hated staying in. The outside world was too bright. I felt blinded by other people’s lightness, innocent happiness, and especially by their apparent disregard for the fact that the world had…
Recap
The past week has been a roller coaster. Charlie was laid to rest and it was one of the hardest moments of my life. It was also during that time that I was moved by my friends’ kindness. I was lucky and blessed to have some of my dearest and best friends there…friends that weren’t like the friends that were around when Michael died….these are…
guilt and acceptance
First posted 7 months post-widowhood on personal blog I have worried since Jeff’s death that he didn’t know how much I loved him. The stupid things I did and the things I took for granted have weighed so heavily on my mind. I have felt terribly and guilty for the things that I complained about and the issues I thought were important. Since Jeff’s…
a song.
someone reminded me of this song last week. i heard it once back in 2008 (the year my life took me in this direction) and couldn’t listen to it again.until last week. now it’s a comfort. i’m not a songwriter. but. if i could write a song, i would write a song just like this:…