One of the questions I’ve asked myself frequently since Jeff’s death is “Am I ready and do I want to date?” Aside from the need for physical contact, I can’t say that in the first year I was at all ready for “dating”. Last year, my second year of widowhood, I thought I was. With trepidation and large amount of humility, I took a look at online…
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You Can’t Fix Me
Sometimes I want to scream at people: “You Can’t Fix Me!” …because sometimes, I get so sick of hearing that I need to “look after myself” or “do something for myself” or “make it happen” or “chin up” or “forge ahead.”Sometimes it’s just too much when friends and colleagues minimize my grief in their misguided belief…
Things That Made Me Cry …..
…. like this picture of Jim …. no longer make me cry. Well, the majority of the time. There are always “one of those days/weeks”, but they are few and far between now. Mostly.This realization occurred to me this past weekend. I was looking for a tote bag to use for my swim suit and towel and various other Fourth of July sundries. I happened…
11 years ago today….
Last night I tucked in G for a second time. He was struggling to sleep after a large plate of this yummy cake. I lay down next to him on the air mattress which has been his bed for the past few nights (we’re in the UK on vacation and staying with friends for the weekend). I pushed his hair back from his forehead and whispered to him the story of…
Visualizing Change
I just returned from a camping trip with my brother and his family. It was at one of those family RV resorts, where everyone is parked next to each other, row after row. There were activities galore all weekend long, and lots of happy couples, excited kids, proud grandparents, and me.Well, that’s how it felt most of the time. I’m sure that to…
Widow vs. Widow
She said “Well, at least you got to say good-bye.” Anger rises in me because I see her comment as one of those my-situation-is-worse-than-yours comments. Anger because she wants to beat me to the bottom, to claim more grief, more anger, more despondency than me.Anger because really? Do we have to have this conversation? I’ve had it before but…
All
Maximus and I take walks at night. I love looking up and feeling like I’m in a planetarium. For some reason, it’s also a moment I feel closest to Michael…and now Charlie.A couple of nights ago, as we were headed down Haleys Way Drive, with the song of a neighbors chimes blowing in the wind, I felt the need to note an overwhelming realization that…
if wishes came true
Written one month after Jeff died in 2008… I overheard Olivia wishing on a fallen eyelash yesterday, “I wish my Daddy would come back.” I tried to get her to ‘tell’ me the wish so I could talk about it with her…the fact that he is never coming back. But she insisted that if she told me, then her wish wouldn’t come true.I so wish he would come…
we’re doing something right.
i got an email from an old friend the other day… at the end she mentioned that she attached a photo that she’d found while cleaning her house.it was a photo of liz and me in college. (i would attach it here, but it’s a pretty awful photo of me). i showed the photo to maddy. “who’s that guy with mommy?” i was blown away. yes, it’s true…
I Had a Nightmare ….
…. last night that Jim came back. I know. A nightmare? It should have been a dream. A wonderful dream. But it wasn’t. He just walked in to our house one day. Three and a half years after his “death” …. he just walked in. In this dream he had been in the Service and I had evidently been notified that he had been killed. I guess they never…
Empty Beds and Summer Blooms
When we first moved into this big, wonderful house, we toiled and planted together in our many gardens. We were building something long-lasting, rich, sensual and vibrant. The flowers in our garden were breathtaking. Our plants were exotic. Butterflies were abundant. Every clod of dirt became a colony of life. We loved every lizard, flower,…
Stuck
I’m feeling indecisive these days. In fact, I wrote a very long post earlier this evening, then decided that it didn’t adequately describe what I was feeling. I decided to leave it on my screen for awhile, then came back and hit delete. There are so many times in my day to day life that I would love to have a do-over. I would love to just…