I’m in a deep funk, and it feels like I am sinking. It seems as though it was only a couple of months ago that I emerged from my winter hibernation. I thought I was through with all that for awhile, and I expected a longer period of sunny days. Instead, clouds follow me wherever I go. I try to make out the sun, and from the looks of others, the…
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Looking for Him
Two years ago, less than three months after he died, I went looking for him. I remembered this today, as I made a to-do list. Things that need to happen before two of my three kids fly back east, without me. Even now, the notion of looking for him makes sense. So, I went back to the post I wrote on August 4, 2009.—– The chair where he always sat…
But To
“He’d want you to keep on living.” “He’d want you to be happy.” Oh, how those remarks we’re scalpels to my ears when Michael first died. But, they kept coming, mouth after mouth, stranger after family member.But to live is to do something he can no longer do?!” “But to be happy is to make the world believe our love no longer runs through my…
touch me
I can handle being alone. Being “single” is just fine and I often think that this is how I would prefer to live. Loading the dishwasher in the way I deem to be correct is truly satisfying. Dancing spastically in the kitchen while the kids sleep and not concerning myself with looking coordinated or even sexy is fabulous. But not having any…
My “Mr Right”
I recently heard about another widow I know …widowed after me … she has found someone new. She is quite in love. This makes me sad.Not about her happiness. Just that I am nowhere NEAR being there. I don’t even want to look for someone new, even though I just want to be happily married again Right Now. ….but I want to be happily married to…
Like a Hurricane
It’s been 812 days since I last kissed my angel. After she was diagnosed, we were lucky to live life large for 850 days. Like so many other difficult things (dealing with chemo treatments, watching her deteriorate over time, holding her that day, her death, living without her), it is so hard to get my head around how much time has passed; it’s…
Weirdly Emotional ….
(This is a post I wrote 10 months after Jim died. It still applies.) This is one of those pictures that doesn’t need any words about love. It’s there. OK, let me just warn you upfront. This is going to be a weird post. I’m going to try to explain something that I felt yesterday but I don’t really know how to explain it, and I wonder how…
The Look of Love.
I have been missing Michael terribly today. I’m not sure why, but it was one of those days where my heart just didn’t want to accept that he is indeed gone.Throughout the day I kept picturing him looking deep into my eyes. I kept feeling his gaze, and kept sensing his touch. It will be two years in September, yet these days still arrive where I…
Mattering
She says to me “Kim, you’re important. Other widows want to meet you. They ask if you will be there.” I was talking to Michele, the founder of this blog, Camp Widow, Widow’s Village and Soaring Spirits Foundation. She was trying to convince me to come to widow camp. I wasn’t going. Even though I live just two hours away. I wasn’t…
Potter
One of the things I started after Michael died was our “Date Nights”. It usually consists of a movie and a five course dinner with wine pairings throughout it. It’s amazing. From “Birds” to all three “Lord of the Ring” to “Chocolat” I sit there with an empty set next to me and savor every moment.But, as I’ve embraced life once more, I’ve found time…
return of the numbness
Written four months after Jeff’s death…. I don’t know if it’s normal to have the vague fuzzy feeling like thinking through a pillow re-emerge four months after a death happens. But it has. I feel as if I’m trying to catch glimpses of things as I spin in circles. I can see that things are there but the edges blur and smudge together. I’m late…
My name is Amanda and this is my story…
I met my soul-mate on February 6, 1993: it was love at first sight. Greg was the fun-loving, farm-boy to my shy, inquisitive city-girl. He was an engineer who loved all things mechanical and I was in the midst of my PhD in eco-botany. We just clicked straight away and seemed always to know what the other was thinking.We married in 1997 and after…