This past week, a friend of mine shared a story with me about a woman she recently met while out shopping for boots at a western store. As they looked through the sale rack, the woman told her how she got through the death of her husband by promising herself a new pair of cowboy boots every time she had to do something hard in relation to her…
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A Little Bit of Happy and a Little Bit of Sad.
This coming Monday would have been my husband’s 36th birthday. Instead, it will be the second that I had to mark without him. All week I’ve felt the weight of my grief with such intensity. The disbelief that he’s gone. The whys, the if onlys and the its not fairs. He died in…
Five More Minutes
I want to begin this post by letting you know that I am not suicidal. I am not going to do anything to harm myself , nor would I ever. Expressing feelings and taking actions on those feelings are two different things entirely, and I know this very well, and I am very aware of this. I am saying this because I know that some of you that may be…
Blossom and Fade
I sit here at Mike’s old desk, a glass of wine by my elbow and the almost full moon shining brightly through the window, and wonder what I would be doing now were he still alive. I pause for a moment and think of our other writers here and their lives; all of our struggles, changes, decisions and thoughts in the wake of our losses. And all the…
Shape-Shifting
This confusing, weird, strange, life as a widow.I’ve stored PinkMagic for a couple of months while I’m here in Arizona, while I take a break from the road to write my book and rest a bit. While I’m here, I’m staying with my son and his wife and family, which is wonderful and I know that they’re happy to have me but…my mind….oh, my mind and…
“Until my dying day…..”
“…until my last breath.” My wife Megan and I had those words tattooed onto our forearms on February 8th, 2014. It was my suggestion, and she was completely taken aback by it. Not because she wasn’t sold on the idea of a little ink (she had sixteen tattoos already), but because I suggested it and came up with the whole plan. I only had two…
Turning Back the Clock
I saw a grief post, recently, that resonated with me. It said “I wish I could turn back the clock: I’d find you sooner and love you longer.”When I read about other widows or widowers who lived with their spouses for decades, before they died, I feel sad for them. I think it must be so difficult to lose a partner with whom one has shared an entire…
“It Isn’t Fair”
I recently overheard a widowed woman sharing about her experience and of being still in a very painful place with it all after 4 long years. Granted in widowhood, that isn’t an extremely unusual circumstance. But I do think sometimes we err on the side of being so careful with those grieving that we do not say some more blunt perspectives that…
The Eternal Challenge of the Suicide Widow
Last night, after a tough week, a friend and I treated ourselves to a night out at a local comedy festival to have a few laughs and blow off some steam. We had tickets to see an up-and-coming Australian comedian who has acted in a couple of popular local TV shows and I was really looking forward to seeing her live. It was great… until she…
Dancing Anyway
An evening out with friends to listen to my new guy’s band on the water’s edge here in Kona. Drinks, laughing, dancing. I catch myself: what am I doing here? I can’t believe how much my life has changed. I gaze out to the stars hanging over the ocean waves and mentally reach out to Mike, as I so often do. Are you out there, honey? Can…
Red Rock Love and Grief
My brain is in overdrive these days and all day today I’ve been contemplating what it is I’ll write about for this week’s blog. I usually let my writing happen viscerally. So here goes. Last Sunday our oldest son got married against the backdrop of Sedona Arizona. One of those milestones of life that will cause our grief to rise up in us,…
Making Room
I’ve posted in the last couple of months about going through Ian’s things and starting to move stuff onto new homes that can go to new homes, or tossing stuff that can’t be moved on. That’s because there was one thing I couldn’t discard after he died…Our seven frozen embryos, left from our IVF cycles to have John. As part of the IVF process,…