My goal is to live as simply as possible. To own things that do not own me. To give things to our kids now so that they don’t need to wonder about what to do with these things of mine when I’m dead. Much of this is an easy process for me, since Chuck and I sold most of our belongings when we hit the road in 2009. Since his death, I’ve…
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Expect the Unexpected
Megan had not only given me permission to “move on” again once she was gone, she had outright demanded it, years before she died. She refused to take my heart with her, leaving a hole in me that could never be filled. This is why, in the deepest pit of my soul, I believe she has brought someone new into my life in the best way…
Ashes to Ashes
Saturday, I carried the remnants of my husband’s body from our bedroom to the summit of Monks Road, in Glossop, the spot he had chosen as his final resting place. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do, in this 10 month journey since his death. His family and I scheduled this date months ago. Even then, I was reluctant to consider…
Birthdays and Beginnings
Today was my fiance’s birthday. The third year without him here. You always think it’s going to get easier. And you never really have any clue how it’s going to hit you. That’s no mystery to me. I’ve been dealing with the milestone of my mom’s birthday for over 20 years now since she died… and some years are just harder than others, for no real…
A Time for Compassion
Like the rest of the world, I awoke to the news this week that the tragic crash of the Germanwings flight 9252 was due to a deliberate act of the co-pilot, and my heart sunk. My immediate thoughts were for the families of everyone on board – there would be so many questions, so much pain. All these beautiful, innocent lives lost in a…
Spouse: Blank
Who would ever think that something as boring and mundane as reading your tax return would send you into fits of sobbing, post-loss? A tax return? Really? It’s not like I was even the one doing my taxes. Luckily, “I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy” (as Sal would say on “Breaking Bad”), who does my tax return for me. Actually, I am making…
Matters of Interpretation
It’s been a busy week, and the highlight was a visit with my friend Margaret who flew in for a nice long weekend from her home in the Bay area. Her husband Dave, who was healthy and fit, died of a sudden, massive stroke at age 50 three months after Mike died, and she and I were put together by mutual friends and family who saw us both falling apart…
Desperation
A few weeks ago, I became fully, wide-awake aware, that this grief was killing me. Not enough so that I’d actually physically die, but enough so that I continually felt as if a meat slicer was in my chest, merrily chopping away at my innards. At the same time it was as if an anvil such as blacksmiths might use, was slung around my neck,…
A Rose by any Other Name…
Ok, “rose” isn’t exactly the first term that comes to mind when thinking of widow, but I’ll go with the literary, Shakespearian reference for this post. I could be posting on getting through the third anniversary of Ian getting sick, which coincided with his birthday on St Patrick’s Day. But much to my surprise, that anniversary passed without…
Someone’s Missing
Saturday, I attended a family ‘do’–a term used in England to denote a celebration, or important event. This was a 40th birthday party for one of Stan’s nieces, held at a Greek restaurant, with over 60 people, most of them relatives of Stan’s. Two of his sisters were there, as were two of his children. The room was filled with conversation and…
Wiping Away the Fears
For two years and nine months now… I have had one of those weird widow “things” that I have done. Or really that I haven’t done. For all of these days, weeks, months, and years… I have not cleaned the bathroom mirror. Not once. The reason for this is simple, and anyone widowed will likely understand. When I shower every morning, I get out and…
The D Word
Over the past couple of months I have been very quietly thinking about that terrifying concept of dating again. The feeling that I might like to dip my toe back in the dating pool started creeping in around late January, at my 18-month mark, and completely took me by surprise. After Dan’s death, the thought of finding another partner filled…