Saturday, I attended a family ‘do’–a term used in England to denote a celebration, or important event. This was a 40th birthday party for one of Stan’s nieces, held at a Greek restaurant, with over 60 people, most of them relatives of Stan’s. Two of his sisters were there, as were two of his children. The room was filled with conversation and…
widowed feelings
Listen
It’s just one of those nights. I have 40 billion things inside my head all at once, and every single one of them has to do with his death. I’m not upset or crying or even particularly emotional tonight. Not really. But it’s just one of those nights where my brain won’t shut off and I can’t stop thinking …. 40 billion things. But one thing more…
Five More Minutes
I want to begin this post by letting you know that I am not suicidal. I am not going to do anything to harm myself , nor would I ever. Expressing feelings and taking actions on those feelings are two different things entirely, and I know this very well, and I am very aware of this. I am saying this because I know that some of you that may be…
Turning Back the Clock
I saw a grief post, recently, that resonated with me. It said “I wish I could turn back the clock: I’d find you sooner and love you longer.”When I read about other widows or widowers who lived with their spouses for decades, before they died, I feel sad for them. I think it must be so difficult to lose a partner with whom one has shared an entire…
Broken Open
My heart has been broken by the death of my husband. It feels unfair that he left us so soon. We were just beginning our lives together. We were good companions and the best of friends. He had children and grandchildren who needed his guidance. He was on the cusp of transforming his life.When my heart feels broken, I draw the curtains and shut the…
Widow Confusion
Widowhood is confusing to me. I suppose every huge life change is, for those in the midst of it. My mind whirls with thoughts of my husband’s final days, his death, leaving southern California in my rear view mirror, driving away from him, being out on the road without him…the memories, and the pain that go with those memories, are strong and…
A Thankful, Angry Heart
It is the week of Thanksgiving, and all around me there is the message to be grateful, to be thankful for what I have, and to count my blessings. I am thankful for many things—my brothers and their families, who made sure I got to visit them, my cousins and aunts and uncle, who made special efforts to see me while I am here, my son and his…
Shadow Boxing~
Caves and shadows and darkness and not being able to see around you. It could be frightening. Or it could be maybe okay.We live in a hurry up culture and we live in a culture where you’re supposed to be happy and positive and everything is feel good. With an occasional momentary break for a worldwide tragedy but life gets very quickly back…
Avoidance
Avoidance has been a common theme for me in my journey.I avoid thinking about or dealing with Ian’s death by overloading myself with work and study.And I’m still doing that to a degree, but I have a counsellor who’s poking and prodding me along the journey of dealing with it all.But now I find I’m avoiding going back into the workforce. I…
My Mind’s Eye
Sometimes I’d swear Mike is here with me. I keep getting the sensation of his presence…or maybe, my mind and heart are just working overtime to remember. To remember how it felt when he was in the room with me. The sound of his breath, his footsteps…how he looked, the familiar freckles on his forearms, his latest mustache creation, his…
Time. Seriously.
Time carries a different meaning now, since Chuck died. I shuddered the other day when I realized that he’s been dead for 15 months. In our 24 years together, we’ve never been apart this long.15 months. I still don’t remember what it felt like to have him next to me and it still kills me that this is so. I look at pictures and they are…
Lost Time
John’s hospital stay threw me out of sync. Not just in terms of the stress that came out of that situation with the additional health implication for him because of Daddy’s illness, but I’ve lost another week of time in my brain… I still feel like I lost a year. Over the weekend our church community celebrated the marriage of two members,…