Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,Old time is still a-flying;And this same flower that smiles todayTomorrow will be dying. -Robert Herrick Robin Williams died this week. Too early. He was in pain. Hard for us all out here who didn’t know him personally to imagine this, seeing only what he gave us in his performances – so much laughter, so much…
widow
Shhhhhhh
Shhhh… You can’t see me. I am an amorphous spirit living within the physical body of the woman I used to be. I’m not really here. The mute button has been activated and what you (the world) sees is a woman who wears a lot of pink, who drives a pink car, towing a pink-trimmed trailer around the country. Perhaps, I think to myself, this pink, my…
Wow, What a Widow Brain
I had intended to write about the crappiness of turning 40 over the weekend as a widow. How much I wish Ian was here to mark this milestone, and because he’s not, I had no real desire to celebrate or really mark the occasion. But have friends insisting that I do so (so compromised with a very expensive dinner for a small group of friends). But then…
Compounding
In the car the other day an Iron and Wine song came on. I’ve never paid attention to the lyrics before but suddenly, they penetrated and I heard them for the first time. It’s not a new topic for a song: a soldier at war, missing his wife and kid and finally coming home. However, I wasn’t expecting the twist at the end…And I want to see my…
Carry On, Phenomenon
It’s been a while since I’ve cried like I did tonight. And it wasn’t because of anything profound happening. It was just because of a movie. I went out to see The Hundred Foot Journey. It was a beautiful movie and a well-told story. And I am a big foodie, so I always love a movie that bubbles with a deep, soulful love of food. The part that really…
Party of One
I go to a lot of places alone. I have never had a problem with spending time alone, even before my husband died. I moved out of small town Massachusetts when I was 18 years old, to NYC, to go to Theatre school and pursue a career in acting and comedy. After having roommates for years on end, I lived by myself for 4 years in an apartment in New…
Stormy Weather
Don’t know why there’s no sun up in the sky Stormy weather Since my man and I ain’t together, Keeps rainin’ all the time – Stormy Weather, Billie Holliday As I type this, not one, but two hurricanes are barreling their way towards the Big Island of Hawaii, where I live. Honestly, I really just found out about all of this on Tuesday. Since Mike…
Yes You
to those of us left behind standing amidst the ashes that remain atop the skeletons of our lives and ourselves. to those of us left behind who struggle with unseeing eyes blinded by grief and limbs made heavy with exhaustion and shattered souls uncertain about…everything.to those of us left behind who must learn to live in the without and open…
Chicken and Lime
Some of the things I regret around Ian’s death feel exceedingly odd. Nothing about how we managed his care, death or funeral. But not getting his chicken, lime and coconut milk curry recipe out of him… THAT has bugged me beyond belief.That was his signature dish, the one he pulled out when we had company. It’s what he made me the first…
What now?
My brain is still more disorganized than it was before Dave died. I marvel in an almost morbid way, at the dementia-like symptoms I still exhibit. They’d be funny if they weren’t so embarrassing and worrisome. I wish I could laugh them off but I feel shame about them. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m in a state of mild…
The Away Letters: Finding a way
When he left for the trip he never returned from, we began writing letters to each other. Despite the fact that we also talked on the phone every night, we wanted to have the letters as a reminder of these times. Neither of us ever knew that he’d not make it back from that first flying contract. Neither of us knew we would only exchange three away…
Boomerang
I feel honored to be a part of this special writer’s club that gets to speak and type my voice on this blog. I really do. I am one of seven voices, and that feels really nice, that people would even be interested in hearing or reading what I have to say. But sometimes, Sometimes I feel as if I am typing into a great big void of nothingness.