Today marks 18 months since my husband died. One and a half years. Forever. He was in the Air Force and often went TDY (temporary duty) in our first years together and mostly I didn’t know where he was during those times and would watch the news to maybe figure it out. But he was never gone for more than a few weeks at a time and then he’d be…
widow
Comprehension
One thing I’ve struggled with is how to manage John’s understanding of Ian dying. Of having a daddy, but having no memory of him. We’re a family of faith, actively involved in our church community so that gave me a bit of framework to use. We talk about daddy going to heaven, as opposed to other explanations. When ever I’ve been talking to John…
When Sick Was Pretty
This past week, I’ve been under the weather with a mysterious illness. On Tuesday, my lymph nodes started to swell up. By Wednesday they were the size of golf balls and very tender. And then some glands in my cheeks started to do the same. Needless to say, by Wednesday night I looked like I had gained twenty pounds on my face. I actually had no…
When Friends Aren’t in your Corner
Someone asked me recently besides missing him, what is the hardest part about Dan’s death. There are so many ways I could have responded to this and, realistically, the answer probably changes depending on the kind of day I’m having. It’s hard not having that person in your corner, your partner, that first one you’d always call to share happy…
Sit With It
Someone else. For three years and a couple of months now, those words and that concept has been one that I simply cannot deal with or even picture. For 3 years, the very idea of someone else, someone other than my husband who I’m supposed to grow old with decades from now, sent me into instant panic. It still does. It still makes me shake and…
A Fork in the Road
I spend a lot of time these days thinking about what it was like to have Mike around. I find myself lost in this dreamland of days gone by – not really remembering anything in particular, not necessarily a specific memory of something we did together – I just find myself trying to grasp that mindspace where he still existed. What it felt like when…
Cadence Count
Moving through grief is similar to moving through deep, dark mud and muck. Lifting your feet to take another step forward takes every bit of determination and strength. Sometimes you look down and you can’t even see your feet, never mind lift them to take that step. When you do lift them, they are covered with mud to the point of not being…
Different life
I’m in that lovely crunch time in semester where I have assignments and other assessments coming out of my butt and I seriously question the sanity of going back to school. Ok, I’m always questioning the sanity of that choice! Which has had me thinking in the last day or so as I worked on cost accounting exercises – would I be doing this if…
Thank you
This will be my last blog post. Michele will pick up Mondays until she can find a replacement for me. I’m not sure exactly how I know I’m done writing here. Your comments and the knowledge that I’m connecting with others is still healing for me. Even though it is more challenging now, I can still think of things to write about. So, struggling for…
Healing with Pride
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about accomplishment, and just how important it has been in helping me to heal and learn to live again. I’m a few months into my third year of being widowed now. Since he died, there have been dozens and dozens of leaps into the unknown. Like most of you, a lot of what I have accomplished I did not have a choice…
The Missing of You
Something strange has been happening lately. Perhaps for about the past month or so, this odd thing has been inside me. It is the missing of you – which, of course, has always been there since that day you died and I died too – but this is different. This is different than it just being there as a part of me. This missing of you is a force. It is…
Connections
I’ve been writing here for nearly six months now and even though there are days I have trouble figuring out what to share…days I don’t want to write anything at all…I think that is to be expected, considering the subject matter, and that I’m not alone in this. I’ve not yet had the pleasure of meeting the other six widows posting here. I hope…