For the longest time the question that haunted me was: “why him, why not me?” – for a while, the question was more often “why not take me too?”. Michele and I used to talk about the big black ship that would come pick us up and carry us away to wherever Phil and Daniel were. I told myself I’d jump on that boat and race away without a second…
Widowed Emotions
Happiness- Provided by Me
“I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.” -Jennifer Louden Let me just say how much I love this quote. I really should print it on cards and hand it out to those who make the snide remarks that I will not be able to be…
It Should Have Been Me …..
I hesitated quite a while before I wrote this post. I don’t know why …. I know without a doubt that you “get it”. Actually I do know why. It’s because I don’t want anyone to read this as a “poor me” post, or as an attempt to get sympathy. It’s not that. It’s just …. reality. And I’m ok with it.It should have been me. How many times have you…
Sweet?
I remember a time not too long ago when I couldn’t taste anything, couldn’t notice the sunshine, couldn’t appreciate the beauty in anything. Getting out of bed and making it through the day was all I could handle. As time passed, I noticed a beautiful day – the first gorgeous day I noticed was ruined by a crying fit (how could it be this beautiful…
In Awe
I have experienced using the word death, or the word grief, or the word widow and having people physically step away from me. I have been told that since I am young the death of my husband isn’t as large a tragedy as it might be if I were older, since I am sure to remarry. I have been asked whether or not I am “over” my husband. People have looked…
Guilt
I wanted to touch base on guilt, as I believe it has played a role in my grief with Michael’s loss. The guilt that he died and I lived. The guilt of the things he never got to experience that I now have been. The guilt of having eyes to still see this world’s beauty and ears to hear its melodies. The guilt of knowing that he would have handled this…
the bomb
Occasionally, I will meet a stranger in a line-up or a clerk at the store who notices my oft-perceived masculine purchase of a hammer, a litre of oil or a case of beer. Sometimes, people standing close by will make a comment about my husband and how lucky he is that I’m buying him this case of beer, picking up the oil or replacing this hammer. When…
another 25th
fucking 25th i thought we were going to skip this day? here it is, 25th #3, #3 of a billion yet to come. not awesome.have a shitload of laundry to do after the trip, but it’s been exactly three months since liz died and i can’t stand looking at the washing machine, let alone trying to use it. i don’t remember if i mentioned this before,…
Venting ….
….. I am angry this week. I’m more than angry. (I’d say that I’m pissed but I don’t want to appear un-lady-like.) I’m angry at a certain person and the anger is magnified because he’s not even here to notice or deal with it. Yep, I’m angry with Jim …. who’s been dead for 2 years and 2 months (but who’s counting?).How dare he leave me here to be…
Do You Mind?
Hi honey, It has been such a long time since I have written you a letter. In fact, my eyes are welling up now realizing that I talk to you all the time in my heart but those words are no longer committed to paper. Remember the letters I wrote to you every day for the first year? I spilled my frustrations, feelings, fears, and memories across every…
Missing me …..
For the past few weeks I’ve been aware of something: I miss me. Yes, I miss Jim …. still very, very much and still every minute of every day, but I also miss me. The “before Janine”.I liked her. I liked her humor and her sense of fun. I liked that other people thought she was funny and they enjoyed being around her (mostly). I liked that she…
Warning Labels
Since Phil died in August of 2005 I have met thousands of widowed people. That fact astounds me. I speak to a new widowed person daily. Every single day, and I am just one person. And yet I am still surprised by death, both personally and professionally. What? Our loved ones die? Since when? But he was so young! What about the kids left behind? How…