So much has happened in such a small amount of time that my head is spinning even as I type. I now live in downtown Austin with cars and people and dog walking and concrete which, for a country boy, is quite the change. I have a new job that’s challenging, engaging and, quite frankly, fun. Life is completely different than just a few weeks…
Widowed Emotions
Going Back To My “Before” ……
…… and explaining my “After”. This past weekend I went back to my home town for a party. It was a mini-reunion of sorts. Several people from our high school class came, as well as others from a couple of other years …… and several spouses. I loved high school …… most of it anyway.. I don’t know any teenager who loves all of it.
The fury
After three-and-a-half years, I can cope with most days. Some days are sad. Some days are just part of the grey melange I seem to be constantly wading through. Some days are good (not great – nothing is great). And some days I am Just Furious. But I don’t know where to direct this fury…I am furious that my life is not what I worked so hard…
Rent-A-Human
I am nowhere near ready to start “dating” again, or “getting myself out there” again, or fall in love again. I am still madly and deeply in love with my dead husband, and I am just not in that place where it feels right to invite someone new into this life with me. Not now. Not yet. I don’t know when. However, there is something that I do want.
The Bubble
My body is already preparing for the 3 year “sadiversary.” It seems this has started a lot sooner this year. I can feel it in my heart, the tears are falling often again. My physical grief always starts in the arches of my feet and the palms of my hands. From there it spreads to my joints, and eventually, my brain. It takes me a while to…
Could This Be ‘Widda Brain’?
…. or am I just a moron?I’d like to think it’s Widda Brain.But how long can I claim that?I mean, my life is forever changed because I’ve been widowed …. it will never be the same. Ever.So …. I should be able to claim “incapacitation due to Widda Brain”.It should be an accepted medical term.I wonder if it’s an accepted mental health…
It Seems That I Am Overqualified
… to grieve in the same way as most widows. According to certain people. (Surprisingly enough, I wrote this post before I read Amanda’s post from yesterday. It seems we know some of the same people! 🙂 This can be a touchy subject, so be prepared to feel “touchy”.It’s about money.Or the lack thereof. Someone who reads my personal blog…
Grief Vs Depression
I have been involved in an argument on facebook about “grief” this afternoon (very mature, I know – there were some classic lines that I should send Supa for “shit-people-say-to-widows”).But it actually turned out to be a misunderstanding where the other person had confused grief with depression.To me, grief is something that I live with…
2 down, 48 to go…
Christmases without Greg, that is. Given my long-lived female relatives, I know I can expect to see the age of 90 if not 100 years old. (Longevity seems to be a heritable trait in my family … as does early widowhood.) Which means 48 more Christmases to endure even with the more conservative estimate…. …and I don’t want to do another single…
Christmas Parties: Third Time’s The Charm
Somewhere between suffering that terrible first Christmas party alone and “Whoo hoo! It’s a Christmas party!” was my last weekend. This is the third holiday party season without my Angel holding my hand (and likely suggesting I wear a different shirt.) I had been dreading the holiday parties but my anticipation of misery far exceeded reality.
why Christmas concerts suck
I have been working really hard at being upbeat and positive this Christmas. I consciously remind myself of the wonderful things in my life – amazing kids, great friends, a rewarding job, an amazing community, etc. I don’t want to whine. I certainly don’t wish to have others internally groan and roll their eyes if I talk about how lame the holidays…
Tis the Season ….
…. to be jolly. Ho, ho ….. oh whatever. I mostly loathe this Season. I really do. And that ticks me off. Because I didn’t “before”. I loved Christmas and everything it entails. It was a wonderful time of the year for me spiritually, emotionally …. the older kids came home from college for several weeks, and physically …. loved the parties,…