Yesterday we hosted the fourth annual Share the Road Ride. This is the only Soaring Spirits event that is dedicated to my Phil in any obvious way. Banners, flyers, t-shirts all bear his name. Friends from all areas of our shared lives come together, volunteers donate their time to support our Share the Road message, and Phil’s love for a good, long…
Widowed Emotions
What if I Forget?
What If I Forget …. His smell. His funny lips and the way they turned up at the corner. His skin. His dry skin that always needed chapstick, and his back that always needed to be scratched. What If I forget … Those piercing blue eyes that became someone else’s eyes when he donated them to the eye bank. The way they looked at me. Through me.
I Promise
“Don’t be too late tonight, I really want to spend some time with you.” “I won’t. It’ll be an early hunt. I’ll be back before the kids go to bed. I promise.” I promise. Right before we exchanged I love you’s, this was one of the last things I heard Jeremy say to me. I’ve played it out so many times in my head, it gets very muddled now,…
Turn It Down
Today is my birthday. Sort of. This blog will post on Friday, and so by the time you read this, it will no longer be my birthday. But right now, this minute, Thursday, September 26th, at almost midnight, it is the end of my birthday. This year, I am 42. This is the 3rd birthday without my husband. My first birthday without him was so awful, I don’t…
Same old grief.
I’ve been thinking about what to blog about for two days now. And I haven’t been able to come with anything. At least, not anything new. The ironic thing is, grief has been so heavy for me this week. Yesterday morning in the middle of a random conversation with my two year old about daddy, I burst into tears, which turned in to full-out sobbing by…
Insomnia
Ugh. Insomnia. We have been enemies friends for six very long years. I have tried sleeping pills. I have tried everything natural. I’ve tried having a normal routine. I’ve tried to not let myself lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for longer than 30 minutes before I get up and read, take a hot shower, attempt something to help me sleep. …
Numbers
I am jealous of old people. Every single old person that I see walking down the street. I am jealous of them. The bitter ones. The wrinkled up, exhausted by life ones. The healthy ones. The sick ones. The ones who have made it into their late 80’s or even early 90’s, and who are still walking side by side with their partners. The husband…
Like a Wheel Within a Wheel ……
…… these are our wedding rings. A circle in a circle. I had them put together like this at about 9 – 10 months out. I wear them on a necklace. I haven’t worn them in a while, but lately, I’ve felt a strong pull to wear them. A lot. I don’t know why and I’ve learned to not question things that I feel pulled to do. I have also felt the…
Scary
Everything is so damn scary for me these days. Just speaking up and saying what I think feels like too much of a risk. It’s as though my confidence died with Dave. I know I’m courageous only because I can see now that I acted many times since Dave died despite nearly crippling fear. But I don’t feel courageous. I feel so scared that I want to curl…
Grief is….
Grief Is … Grief is that feeling where nothing is flat. There are mountains and hills and mud, and giant pieces of glass. There is fire and lightning and floods, and you are walking in it, without any shoes on. In the dark. Grief is scolding hot and chilled to the bone. It gets in your nails and leaves you unwhole.Grief is being jealous of…
A Really Bad Night ……
…… and day. I wrote this post for my blog yesterday. I don’t have the energy to write anything else at the moment. So you get to experience what I experienced. Buckle your seat belts. I’m staying in NY an extra day, though I’d much rather be on my way to Texas than sitting here, feeling what I’m feeling.Last night, at some time after midnight,…
Changes
What follows is my own opinion. I know it is not everyone’s and I am truly glad to live in a country where I am free to vote for whomever I wish. I am grateful to have a vote when so many women are denied this right. …and I also appreciate the freedom to express my opinions here. Well, we’ve had a bit of a change over here in the past…