Did Art die before or after Pallas hit five feet? Did he die before I bought the new underwear or after? Was he alive when Google offered that new earth maps feature? Was I friends with her before or after Art died? Was he alive when Langton said __________ or Ezra did ______?Before or after? This is the new question I’ve been asking lately. And…
Widowed Emotions
Widow Humor
Being a widow is a lot of things. Scary. Sad. Lonely. Guilt-ridden. But an unexpected side effect of the loss of my spouse is the humor and hilarity. Maybe I was funny person before. Maybe it has been in me all along. But after spending time again this year at Camp Widow, my cheeks hurt from laughing….and I didn’t spend the time giggling at…
Love After Love …
… is different. Very, very different. I wish I had known that. I wish I had known a widow who could have told me that. Someone who could have warned me. You see, I had only loved one person in my whole life (OK, other than my family members and friends). I had only fallen in love once. And he had only fallen in love once. We both had that…
1157
One restless night of blog surfing, I saw someone post the exact number of days since they lost their soul mate. I must admit, I stopped long ago in counting the exact days and months since Michael was killed. Knowing such numbers, especially in the never-ending days in the beginning of my grief, seemed like mental suicide. As much as I’m a…
When Will You Be Done?
Lately I have been asked by more than one person when I think I might be done with this whole, “widow thing.” Hmmm…done. Well I guess that depends on the definition of done. See the thing is, I will always be widowed. Remarriage doesn’t erase my widowhood. Being happy doesn’t erase the memories I have of lying in bed dry heaving as I screamed in…
I Am Pissed ….
I am pissed . . . . ….. please forgive my crassness. Since Jim died I haven’t had anyone around to give me a disapproving glance for unladylike language so ……. it’s been much more difficult to be ladylike. I think it goes with the experience. Deep breath here. This will be one of those honestly honest posts. I’m not sure who should take the…
Gushing
I’ve written ELEVEN Thank you notes this week. ELEVEN!!! Eleven hand written notes filled with gratitude and gratefulness for the things people in my life did for me.There were the three dinners I had at friend’s houses that included a great amount of laughter and connection and the feeding of my three children. One went to the paralegal who…
are you lonesome tonight….
I’m not dating. I have gone on a few….dates. But it never felt right. But neither does this loneliness. I don’t want to go through the hassle of meeting, dating, getting to know the other person’s “issues”, introducing this person to family and friends, getting giddy when they come around, having our first argument, finding out that they have an…
Honest to a Fault ….
…. is what I can sometimes be …. I think. Some people do not enjoy my honesty on my personal blog. I’ve learned to hold back on some things ….. things that will have an effect on those I love. Although sometimes holding back puts me in a very, very lonely place.I wish that I could just pour out every single feeling that comes my way when…
Little Faces
Tucking Grayson into bed the other night – “Mom, will you lay down with me for a few minutes?”. Who can resist that? I crawled into bed with the little guy, and promptly fell asleep. I didn’t sleep for long, maybe five minutes, but when I woke up, I was lying on my side looking at him in profile. It took my breath away how much he looked like…
the perfect father
Lately, Liv and I have been struggling. We have been fighting arguing about everything from whether she should brush her extremely knot-filled hair before departing for the day to whether older sisters are ‘allowed’ to speak to their younger brothers in a hatred filled voice to whether it is her job to clean up her mess. She claims that my…
A Slow Fade ….
… is not what happens the day your soul mate dies. There’s nothing slow about the slamming shut of the door of your life. Your life as you knew it. Your “before” life. Your future as you dreamed it. The door slams shut. All light is snuffed out. Literally. You are thrust into a very, very dark, very cold place.No …. not slow at all. But…