I felt safe with Chuck. Emotionally. Physically. Every way. I knew that if a situation arose, he could handle it. I felt protected in a way I’d never felt in my first marriage. My well-being was first and foremost in his mind. His military training was in his blood and he’d run through “what if” situations with me so that I could…
Widowed Emotions
Robin Williams and The Door
As heartbroken as I am about the death of Robin Williams, I am not entirely shocked. Not entirely. I recall about 4 or 5 months ago maybe, seeing him as a guest on some late night talk show. (cannot remember which one) I remember distinctly thinking to myself that he looked exhausted, withdrawn, and old. Not old in the way that he got gray hair…
Shhhhhhh
Shhhh… You can’t see me. I am an amorphous spirit living within the physical body of the woman I used to be. I’m not really here. The mute button has been activated and what you (the world) sees is a woman who wears a lot of pink, who drives a pink car, towing a pink-trimmed trailer around the country. Perhaps, I think to myself, this pink, my…
Wow, What a Widow Brain
I had intended to write about the crappiness of turning 40 over the weekend as a widow. How much I wish Ian was here to mark this milestone, and because he’s not, I had no real desire to celebrate or really mark the occasion. But have friends insisting that I do so (so compromised with a very expensive dinner for a small group of friends). But then…
Yes You
to those of us left behind standing amidst the ashes that remain atop the skeletons of our lives and ourselves. to those of us left behind who struggle with unseeing eyes blinded by grief and limbs made heavy with exhaustion and shattered souls uncertain about…everything.to those of us left behind who must learn to live in the without and open…
What now?
My brain is still more disorganized than it was before Dave died. I marvel in an almost morbid way, at the dementia-like symptoms I still exhibit. They’d be funny if they weren’t so embarrassing and worrisome. I wish I could laugh them off but I feel shame about them. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m in a state of mild…
Shadow Boxing~
Caves and shadows and darkness and not being able to see around you. It could be frightening. Or it could be maybe okay.We live in a hurry up culture and we live in a culture where you’re supposed to be happy and positive and everything is feel good. With an occasional momentary break for a worldwide tragedy but life gets very quickly back…
Avoidance
Avoidance has been a common theme for me in my journey.I avoid thinking about or dealing with Ian’s death by overloading myself with work and study.And I’m still doing that to a degree, but I have a counsellor who’s poking and prodding me along the journey of dealing with it all.But now I find I’m avoiding going back into the workforce. I…
Identities
I had a session with my beloved therapist the other day. I filled her in on what had happened since I’d last seen her and then she said “What do you think about coming to see me? Do you think you’re ready for a break?” and it was as if I’d expected her to ask me.I was only slightly hesitant to say yes. She asked me what came up for me as I’d…
Waiting
I think I’m confused. Am I actually doing better? Have I turned a very large corner? Is the worst of this hell actually behind me? Or is there no such thing as that being true? Am I about to set myself up for a ginormous fall? Like I said, I think I’m confused.Last Sunday was the 3 year death anniversary. I wrote about it in here last week. I was…
My Mind’s Eye
Sometimes I’d swear Mike is here with me. I keep getting the sensation of his presence…or maybe, my mind and heart are just working overtime to remember. To remember how it felt when he was in the room with me. The sound of his breath, his footsteps…how he looked, the familiar freckles on his forearms, his latest mustache creation, his…
Time. Seriously.
Time carries a different meaning now, since Chuck died. I shuddered the other day when I realized that he’s been dead for 15 months. In our 24 years together, we’ve never been apart this long.15 months. I still don’t remember what it felt like to have him next to me and it still kills me that this is so. I look at pictures and they are…