Some things remain unchanged for centuries, such as Stonehenge (my photo, two summers ago). Others change much more rapidly, such as myself (no photo, you’ve seen me before ;). I guess 4 and a half years isn’t a tiny bit of time, but in the framework of a lifetime, 4 years is pretty quick. I find it hard to believe how far I’ve come since November…
Widowed Emotions
Blind
This post is from May 8, 2009, just 22 days after Art died. Recently I needed to go back, to see how far I’d come. I’ve been blind to the changes — the small little changes like that I can remember to order shoes, and that today is hot lunch day at camp each thought within 10 seconds of each other. This daily action of putting one foot in front of…
Dark Nights of the Soul
Warning: This post may be unsettling to many. It was written 8 days ago. I thought about it today. And yesterday And actually been thinking about it for 5 days straight. Considering different ways to do it. Quick, painless ways to do it.I’ve been thinking about killing myself. The fact that I am writing about this means, I think….I am working…
….by the way
I am seeing all sorts of old and familiar faces since we moved back to my hometown. It’s been great getting reacquainted with now-grown children of my youth. We discuss how the town has changed. That the one stop light in town is no longer the one stop light in town. Gossip about the nastiest boy in our class has changed and where he is now.I find…
Feeling Guilty ….
… for falling in love again? Ummmm …… not so much. I’ve heard and read a lot about this topic lately. I’ve seen what others have written about it. And I’ve seen quite a bit of guilt. Why? Why do we do that to ourselves?I use the word “we”, even though guilt is not an emotion that I am, or have, felt since I started dating again (after…
Does widowhood define me?
As a widow, how many times have you said, “when/since/because _____ died”? Even after two years, three months and six days, I regularly use this phrase. Does widowhood define me this much or is it that the loss of my husband has been so life-altered, self-forming, world-shifting to me that I can attribute most of the occurrences in my present life…
I Dreamed a Dream ….
I am happy. Finally, after what seems an eternity, I can say …. and mean …. those three words. After over 2 years of thinking that I would never be happy again. After over 2 years of wishing that I were there with him. After over 2 years of feeling that I was going to drown. I. Am. Happy. And yet ……….. there are still moments when a…
Musical Monday: Finding Myself
Before I was widowed I knew who I was and I held pretty firm beliefs about life in general. Prior to marrying Phil I lived through a divorce and the ensuing identity crisis, and I came out on the other side more aware of my personal strengths and weaknesses. My divorce also taught me that I was capable of recreating my life. I knew that I didn’t…
apples and oranges
Although apples and oranges are both fruit, they taste, smell and feel different. They are both round. They are both sweet. But one is crispy and succulent and the other is juicy and zesty. Some similarities but you would never mistake one for the other. When attempting to understand another person’s circumstance we often seek out seemingly similar…
Man’s Best Friend
A little over 6 years ago a tiny bundle of joy joined our family. We went to the pound, looking for a medium-sized short-haired dog…and came home with Osa – a tiny kodiak bear-cub of a dog. The joke was on us when our vet explained that our tiny fur-ball was actually part St. Bernard. She quickly grew into a ginormous hairy beast. I have joked…
getting my voice
We’ve moved. Our stuff is in the new house…..but the house isn’t finished. The shower doesn’t work and two of the rooms remain incomplete. Although the garbage and previous tenant’s belongings have finally been removed, we haven’t been able to unpack our stuff and claim the house as ours. We have been staying with friends until it is…
and then there’s this
Happiness has pervaded my life, before, during and after my time with liz. and since she died, it’s been my friends and family and stranger friends and music and books and travel and writing and memories and photography and baseball and cheeseburgers and beer and this blog and countless other things that have all been huge sources of happiness…