He died on a Tuesday. I can still remember screaming those animal sounds into the phone, tones I’d never heard come out of myself. Deep, guttural defiances… yelled at his dad on the other end of the line – every cell of me rejecting the words from his broken voice, “No baby, he’s not okay…” The room is spinning. I remember flashes only. I…
Widowed Emotions
Toolbox
I don’t do drugs of any kind. I rarely drink. Wine gives me headaches and makes me fall asleep, I think beer tastes like gasoline (not that I’ve ever consumed gasoline, but if I did, I know it would taste like beer), and I’m way too wimpy for hard liquor type-stuff. So, two and a half years ago, when life pushed me at 100 mph onto this…
Recognizing the pain
I’ve been traveling a ton the past week and in the midst of that, found myself looking through notebooks filled with quotes and thoughts that have inspired my being. One in particular, stuck out this evening: “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” Whoa!If that isn’t poignant to the ebbs and flows of our lives as…
Crumb of Cake
Call me crazy, but I’m starting to feel like maybe I’m a little bit crazy. Is that crazy? Is it Nuts-ville Crazytown that I feel like I am more in love with my husband now, than ever before? That I would rather have one-way conversations with his spirit or soul, than put any real efforts into possibly finding a new partner who I could actually…
Goodbye for now
Two writers stepping down in one week?!? First it was Melinda. Now, it’s my turn. This is very bittersweet for me. I am so incredibly thankful for the platform that Michele has given me to open up my heart and share my journey. I have learned so much just from watching my life unfold in my own words and processing through it, as well as reading…
Life Does NOT Look ……
…… the way I expected it to look …… 6 years ago. Six years ago he was still alive. Although for only 14 more days, unbeknownst to any of us. Over the years, I remember looking at people I knew, who had lost their spouse, and wondering, “What were they thinking 24 hours before?” Seriously. I thought that. I wondered. I don’t…
Dreams
I never dream of him. I can’t for the life of me figure out why or how the person I spent most moments of 15 years with, the person I was closest to in my entire life, doesn’t show up in my dreams now that he’s gone from this earth. Or if he is, why I don’t remember those dreams but I do remember the mundane, annoying, or ridiculous dreams instead.
Turning the Corner
So, it’s the day after Thanksgiving, and I write here on this blog each and every Friday. Except that I don’t. In actuality, in order for the blog to go live on Friday, midnight Pacific time, that means my writing deadline is 3 am on the East Coast, the night before Friday morning. Last night. Now you know all the ins- and -outs of the widowed…
Thankful ……
…… is not something I have felt a lot these past almost-6 years. I mean, I’ve felt it for a few things, like my children, my family and friends who were there for me when I really needed them. But it was beyond difficult to feel thankful, while at the same time not believing that Jim was dead. But this year …… this year is different. These…
I Forgot You Died
My husband’s sudden and unexpected death happened on a Wednesday. July 13, 2011. We had gone to sleep the night before, and I still don’t recall saying goodnight. Or saying anything. We simply fell asleep, in the exhaustion of having two jobs and being busy and life. A few hours later, he had left for his volenteer job at the local Petsmart,…
Missing out
Last week one of the parents of a child I teach had a bit of a tantrum after school one day*. It seems her daughter missed out on having an iceblock with the rest of the class because she had been away the previous day. In her seething mother-rage, she shouted at me “It’s not FAIR that Cathy misses out on an iceblock. The rest of the class had…
Eleven
Since it has been a crazy, busy week for me, and since I have been missing my husband in a way that is so intense lately I almost cannot handle it, I thought I would go back through my personal blog and find one of the few “visit” type dreams I have had about Don since he died, and share it with you here. I haven’t had a dream like this one in…