One month away from the third anniversary of Clayton’s passing and some moments it feels like it was just yesterday. Each year has had its challenges and this year I’ve lost our cat Stallone. I’ve written before that it’s the build up to certain dates that’s worse then the actual days themselves. Each season has […]
LGBTQ+ Widowed
The Escape Room
Part of my widowed journey is getting the opportunity to get away from home. Staying in the apartment that Clayton and I both lived has its benefits and its challenges. He hung up the art and organized the furniture. Everything here holds whispers of his style and view of interior design. I’m coming up on […]
The Dentist is in the Details
For many who are widowed and many who suffer extreme loss and grief, the start back to “normal” is a long and winding road. Even tasks that we consider “everyday automatics” can be pushed aside or delayed. Some days it’s hard to just get out of bed let alone brush your teeth. Each thing you […]
Safety Behind Locked Doors
Safety. It’s the basis of all our primary needs. Safety, security and stability, when any or all of these are threatened, we go into survival mode. As someone who is widowed, these are in constant fluctuation for me. I have had calm days, stressed days and anxious days. The fear of being unsafe is something […]
Wid-OWED
Wid-OWED This week has been tough. I have had conversations with probate court to try and finalize Clayton’s Will and picked up Stallone’s (our cat) ashes back from the veterinarian. Now he and Clayton sit on a bookshelf until we can figure out a funeral for them. I’m coming up on 3 years since Clayton […]
The Peter Pan Perspective
I couldn’t wait to grow up. I can distinctly remember being in 5th grade and telling myself I only had to deal with this for 7 more years and then I’d be free to fly. I’ve always been a big dreamer. At times my imagination would create beautiful worlds and outcomes of grandeur. I’d have […]
Pets and People Years
Everyone has a set time here on this Animal Planet. When we take in a new family member, we know there are good chances we will be there for their whole life and still be here when they have moved on. It’s a normal part of life and we buffer our emotions by planning ahead […]
Worries and Whys
Growing up, I suffered from severe asthma, allergies, etc. It was common for me to take medication daily. I can recall the shear panic if my wheezing started and I couldn’t find my rescue inhaler. I couldn’t do what the “normal” kids did and I was bullied, left out and judged. As I got older, […]
Under This Widowed Weight
Throughout caring for Clayton before he died, I felt the weight of responsibilities. The weight of being a caregiver and the weight of working full time, the weight of making sure medications were dosed and delivered on time, the weight of his comfort and the weight of emotions. Heaviest of all for me, the weight […]
The Upside Down
I have always had trouble when I’m told that there is no way out and no solution to things. Apparently, looking back at my writing, that fact holds true even in loss and grief. I didn’t realize at first but it explains my anger when I was hit with the regular “whys?” and the “what […]
The Letting Go of Leaving
I have had an amazing time the past week with my family. A much needed reconnect. The interesting theme was everyone’s “sorry”. “Sorry we can’t visit.” “Sorry there is nothing to do.” “Sorry we can’t hug.” Funny how we take on the weight of “sorry” when we shouldn’t. As everyone was “sorrying”, little did they […]
The Day After
The day after your diagnosis. The day after our last holidays. The day after your death. The day after all of the “firsts” without you. The day after all the seconds, thirds, fourth, fifths, sixth and, trust me, on the seventh day after there isn’t rest. Every day is a new “day after”. Funny, that […]