December 23rd will mark the four year anniversary of our love eternal. We wrote our own vows, we rocked into each other the whole ceremony, we had a moment in time where all else melted away, we sealed our devotion with a kiss.It wasn’t about the dress, venue, gifts, or cake….it was simply about our love being personified.Nearly three years of…
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life without a mirror
I had a dream that I found Jeff. I was so totally overjoyed and so excited that I attempted to jump into his arms. The shock and confusion, even hostility, that he looked at me with was horrifying. He didn’t recognize me. He didn’t know me anymore.He scooped up our little ones in a tight embrace and laughed at how they’ve grown and who they are.
supposed to be
supposed to be in hawaiiwithlizthis weekend(fucking reminder popped up on my blackberry the other day to make me feel like shit).instead.i sit herethinking about nothingbut the fact thatshedied 2 months ago today.(i fucking hate the 25th now).how can i not think about it?there are too many reminders.everydayi have to look outthe picture windowin…
Coming Out on Top ….
I think I realized this week, for the first time, that I will survive this. Interesting timing, since Friday will be the 2 year deathiversary, but there ya go. I could not have said that a year ago. I didn’t want to survive it. Heck, there are still days that I don’t want to survive this, but I know I will.This grief, which is so much more than a…
Buoyancy
Buoyancy (defined) is the upward force that keeps things afloat. This force enables the object to float or at least seem lighter. “At least seem lighter…”I was thinking about Michele’s post from yesterday and this word kept sort of popping into my head. I have a number of people who help me stay afloat and I wouldn’t be here (or anywhere else for…
Widows Rock
Last week was a whirlwind of party planning, traveling, and meeting new people who have been touched by the work of Soaring Spirits…and this blog. I attended three of the four holiday events (sorry Austin, I so wanted to be there!) planned by some amazing women, and supported by fantastic sponsors from all walks of lifeI traveled up and down…
Napping before the show….
I’m tired.I’ve miscalculated my energy for this month, which has equated to many a’naps.In the midst of the over-exertion and holiday bustle, I drained my tank with no one in sight to grab me some gas. It’s just a month of lots of everything!December 23rd will be our four year anniversary and December 27th will be my birthday…heck, and lets throw…
Counting
Day 42 I count …the days.I count to remind myself that I have only begun, that I am a newcomer to this kind of grief. I count the days to get me to the next one. Each time I count a day I tell myself that some day, when there are three or four numbers in that count, it will not hurt so deeply.I count the days to remind myself not to expect too…
a place for you, my love
I’ve struggled this past year and a half to find the ‘right’ words to mark Jeff’s life and his person on a commemorative bench on the West Coast of this island, in a the small fishing village where we met, fell in love and started our life together.I needed to find something that would bring ‘him’ to life in a phrase for those who knew him and for…
six weeks ago
today was tuesday.and it sucked.started the day workingon the stuffi didn’t want to work on.rote the check for liz’sfuneral today.and mailed two copies of herdeath certificateout to some folkswho need them.also had toget something from her closet.and for the firsttime was faced withherhamper fullof dirty clothesandher wall of shoes.they…
Feeling Small …..
I’m feeling a bit lost and small as I head towards the second year mark of Jim’s death. This grief thing is so much bigger than I am and it draws me in to places I don’t want to go.I don’t want to be sad and I don’t want to feel like I have no energy. I don’t want to wish that I weren’t here, but I seem to have no control over how I feel ….. and…
Wading Through
So it’s been one of those weeks, filled with wonderful things: Widow’s Rock Austin was a great time, with some great widows and friends of widows (thanks to all who came!!) and we raised money for Camp Widow 2010 (yay!!!); my sister surprised me at Widow’s Rock – she flew in unexpectedly from England for the event and will stay for a week; Grayson…