there are odd things around the house that trigger memories of liz.on the refrigerator, behind some mismatched magnetsis a recipe with its accompanying ingredient/grocery listanda list of thingsto do around the housebefore a dinner partythrown long-ago, (all in her hand writing).one of theworst triggers isthe goddamned dvr.a source of…
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Mind Over Matter?
I used to believe in that phrase. After all, if you just tried hard enough, if you just had the right attitude, if you just pulled yourself up by your bootstraps …. your life would be better. Right? Well, this phrase worked for me until mid December of 2007.Then my life was shattered, along with my heart, and my life became “matter over mind”. …
What Do You Need?
In a recent conversation with a friend about my interest in ever dating again, I was asked the following question: “You are so strong and so independent, do you ever really need someone else? You don’t seem to need anyone for anything.” It actually started a month long internal dialogue with myself that hasn’t quite been resolved. What do I need?…
When there are no thanks to be given
As any of us widows and widowers know, one of the most trying times of the Annual Widowed Calendar is upon us. It’s impossible to turn on the TV or walk into any store without having it crammed down our gagging, grieving throats: The holidays. That formerly joyous, happy, oblivious time of year where we got to focus on fun, holiday frivolity;…
Grasping at Control
It hasn’t been 48 hours yet. I want to change…. something; move the piano, cut my hair, paint the ceiling, rip everything off the shelves. Sell everything….today! Start over. I want my outside world to relfect my inside turmoil. The calmness that is slipping away, the trepidation, the impending emptiness that slowly lowers its vail and the…
Release
I am a teapot (minus the short and stout)…or should I say, a tea kettle.There are moments in my day, week, or month where the “pressure”/emotions inside of me become so overwhelming that they have to find some outlet to release all that is about to combust inside of my heart.Since I am unequipped with a whistling spout, in most cases it is…
mine. all mine.
I wonder how many decisions we make a day on average. Five? Fifty? Five hundred? The small ones have never been of much consequence. Brush my teeth or not? Wear pink high heels or brown loafers? Watch The Nature of Things or 22 Minutes? The larger ones are the tough ones. As a teenager, they were pretty easy. Hear what my parents had to say…and…
five weeks
5 weeks agotoday.things were perfect.healthy, happy family.11 minutes after 3:00pmon that same day,my worldfell apart.since then,lots of sadness.lots of happiness.but mostly sadness.liz’sdeathhas reallyfucked me up.people keep asking,“how are you coping?”multiple answers:“i just am.”“by talking to people.”“the kindness of…
I Didn’t Sign Up For This …..
… but then, neither did you, right? It’s been one of those weeks … and it’s not even half way over yet! I am totally sick of being a single parent. I’m tired of having to do all of this on my own when I really don’t know what the hell I’m doing a lot of the time. Teenage boys?? That was supposed to be Jim’s job. I handled the girls and their…
Who’s Writing This Anyway?
So I checked out the uplifting song of Musical Monday, which I listened to several times last night…and it did inspire me and lift my spirits. Thanks Michele and I hope your are busy writing your next chapter right now! I am still suffering writer’s block. (I love this analogy). However, I am getting more comfortable with the idea that the future…
Musical Monday
Much of the music that spoke to me right after Phil’s death was important because the lyrics articulated feelings I was incapable of expressing. Even now, after writing countless words about my journey through the loss of my husband, there are times when nothing communicates my inner turmoil like the phrases penned by someone else. When I first…
The End Comes
April 12, 2009 Art is back in the hospital.Friday was when it happened. Low white blood cells, he started a fever.Today, Sunday, yes. That is the day today.He has viral menengitis.He’s … no words to describe. They are giving him support (drugs), helping it to leave his body.It could take 24 hours.It could take a week.I would say I am scared,…