I hesitated quite a while before I wrote this post.

I don’t know why …. I know without a doubt that you “get it”.

Actually I do know why. It’s because I don’t want anyone to read this as a “poor me” post, or as an attempt to get sympathy.

It’s not that.

It’s just …. reality.

And I’m ok with it.

It should have been me.

 

How many times have you thought that?

Any at all? Hundreds?

 

I think it still, even as I move forward with my life and enjoy life more.

It’s something I know without a doubt.

I don’t question it …. it’s what I know to be true.

It’s something I can say calmly and sincerely.

 

Life doesn’t make sense, because it should’ve been me.

 

Jim was a much better person than I am.

He would’ve made more of a difference in this world.

He was a better parent than I am and I think the kids would have been better left with him.

Without a doubt.

 

But he’s gone.

And I am here.

It just doesn’t make sense.

 

Most days I can just flow with the senselessness of this, but sometimes I ponder.

I wonder what the difference would be if it had been me and not him.

 

He would have been a better widower.

He would have made wiser financial decisions.

He would have taken better care of the house.

He would have taken MUCH better care of the lawn.

He would have been calmer with the kids.

He would have been the strength they’ve needed.

He would’ve made a heck of a lot more money.

 

He should be here.

But “should” doesn’t seem to matter.

I could come up with a lot of “shoulds” …. especially over the past 2 years, but that would be a waste of time.

As much of a waste as thinking ….. “It should have been me”, right?

But it really should have.