The absence of my husband has been a very physical sensation over the past few days. It’s as if my body is aware on a cellular level that his isn’t here any more. I’ve been longing to be near him.I’m not talking about sex, it’s that so-hard-to-describe feeling that would come over me when I was in his presence. Like a mixture of safety, calm,…
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Leaving Me
I took a short nap tonight, which I almost never do, because I SUCK at napping. (I have trouble falling asleep, and then when I do, I want to sleep for hours, and I wake up feeling worse and more tired than before the nap, and then I can never sleep later that night because I napped during the day.) Please, good people of earth, remind me to…
A Good Cup of Coffee
The feeling of “different” in this new year is hard to ignore. The blustery and yes, chilly, air here in this Hawaii January at our altitude somehow serves to remind me that changes will continue to happen, and the unexpected might still be lurking around the corner. When I woke up this morning I lay there for a few minutes thinking about the…
Of Shoes and Ships and Universes and…
I watched “Interstellar” at the movies a few days ago and came away agitated. It’s a movie that deals with our loved ones existing in parallel universes. Multi-dimensional worlds where we and our loved ones exist on different planes, with real possibilities of communication between the two.Last week I wrote in my blog about researching this…
Next to Me
After Ian died, I adapted back to being in the house as an only adult on my own pretty quickly. I’d lived here on my own for some 6 years before Ian moved in, and he was here for two and a half years. Reverting to a known mode of operation, although unwanted, wasn’t that difficult. Yes I had to factor in care of a toddler, but having to manage…
Layers of Loss
I awakened this morning, on the last day of 2014, with the images of my sister and mother on my heart. They died 6 and 7 years ago, respectively, during the holiday season, and I realised I had done nothing, this year, to mark their lives and deaths—not a picture or a mention, anywhere. I have been so consumed with the loss of my beloved that…
NYE Trauma and its Lessons
I shared about a month ago about going on a first date with someone. And it’s very hard to share today how that unfolded. Despite my knowing that this person had a lot of problems of his own, I decided to open up and get to know him. For about a month now we’ve talked, had a second date recently. He made me laugh more than anyone has in a long…
The Next Chapter
Well so far, 2015 is not going as planned, as I came down with a yucky head cold on New Years Day and have spent the past few days in bed, wishing Dan were here to fuss over me.I had such grand plans of spending the last few days of my Summer holiday enjoying time with my family and friends, hitting the gym to start shaking the couple of kilos that…
New Years Crash
Ever since that calendar started to read 2015 about 24 hours or so ago, I have been feeling a little bit down. I keep forgetting that New Years Eve and New Years Day make me incredibly sad. I don’t know why I keep forgetting this, but I do. Each year since my husband’s death, the sadness surrounding New Years always seems to come out of nowhere and…
Taking a Memo
A dear high school friend I had dinner with when I was back in my home town for Christmas told me something that resonated quite deeply. She was making the point after we started talking about what my reality has been like for me the past nearly two years after losing Mike, how my perspective has shifted so enormously, and that I find myself at a…
Will the Stars and Moon Answer Me?
Even while I’m engaged in various activities, my mind’s eye, my heart’s eye, is searching for something that will ring a bell of recognition within me. Something that will make my heart say oh, that’s what I’ve known all along and didn’t remember I knew! That something that will ease some of the devastating ache of my soul and heart and body.
Another Year Over
Another number away from the “2012” in which Ian died. One thing I read late last year was people doing a ‘word’ for the year, not New Years Resolutions, which seemed a far more sensible way to go than dragging out the perennial resolution that never gets stuck to. The word that stuck out to me at the beginning of the year was Faith. Not religious…