The middle of the night is where I feel your void most intensely. I attempt to busy my brain with other less painful activities. I lay in our nightlight lit room listening to the drippy wet sounds of the aquarium down the hall, the monotonous whirr of the bathroom fan left on, the refrigerator starting up yet again. I attempt to make a mental list…
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a happy memory
brooke and i took maddy to the santa monica pier for a day of fun. it didn’t start off too well because madeline’s forehead took a direct hit when a pigeon flew over her. (she was calm throughout, and didn’t seem to mind, unlike brooke and me). so why am i bringing this up today? well, because maddy did. last week. on the way to…
Places Where I’ve Cried ….
This is part of a post I wrote February 7, 2008, about a month and a half after Jim’s death. I have yet to go back and read every post since he died ….. especially the early ones. I’m not sure when I’ll feel able to do that …. to go back to that very dark, very lonely place where death seemed to be the only escape. But I will ….. some…
Rose Colored Glasses?
What do you see when you look at this picture? I see love, fun, teamwork, happiness. A couple of years ago this picture, as happy as it is, would have made me sad. I would have seen sadness, loss, something missing. Unexpectedly, I am finally able to see what is there instead of always focusing on what or who is not. It’s huge. It also happened…
I Think I’m Ready To Start Dating. I Think.
I think I’m ready to try my hand at dating. I think. In thinking about the possibility of dating, I did something I have never done before, I went back and read something I wrote during my early days of being widowed. It was a post from my own blog, where I was discussing how our song, “Something Stupid,” came to be.In that post I was talking about…
Another
I had a conversation yesterday with a widower. He’s three months ahead of me He wanted to meet me after his sister, a friend, showed him my black widow photoIt was a conversation that felt good, connected and real. It was a conversation with laughter and head nodding (which he didn’t see cause we were on the phone.) It was a conversation of…
Shine A Light
I must admit…I love films. Foreign especially, but anything thought and emotionally provoking will do. What can I say? Michael and I first kissed while watching “American Beauty”, it’s just the kind of couple we are.Tonight I found myself watching “Anna and the King”, a remake of “The King and I”, which I thoroughly enjoyed with the widowhood…
safety freak
My minivan has a back-up beeper installed and I never fail to wear safety goggles when required. I realize that teenagers at the bus stop snicker as I stride by sporting my safety vest covered in all it’s reflective glory and a red light flashing out a constant reminder of the whereabouts of my hind-end. And in the past, I would have worried that…
34 months.
January 25th. 34 months. it’s been awhile since i felt like this on a 25th.i never forget the day, (never) or what happened all those months ago. (never). but sometimes i i don’t realize it’s the 25th until i’m halfway through the day. but on this 25th, i was feeling it. all day. i don’t know why. … that evening i got to my happiness. my…
How Do You Prepare Someone ….
How Do You Prepare Someone ….for the loss of their spouse? The answer is easy. You can’t. Oh, you can tell them to get their finances in order, to say “I love you” a million times, to make sure their name is on everything from the mortgage to the utility bills, but how can you prepare their heart? It’s impossible.I recently “met” a woman who…
Better Start Living Right Now
It’s a musical Tuesday. I’ve listened to this song countless times, but today, after a very hectic day at work, the words were almost hammering themselves into my brain – in a good way 🙂 Sometimes a reminder of what’s important and how quickly it all passes is a good thing. Trying to slow down, and stop to smell the roses (and sip a glass of…
I Just Need to Tell You Something
Hi honey, You are probably wondering why I am writing this letter. Usually I save the letter writing for the anniversary of the day you died, sort of a look back on the year gone by, but today I ran into D at the grocery store and realized that there are still some stories that only you would understand. Since the celestial phone appears to be out…