I spend a lot of time these days thinking about what it was like to have Mike around. I find myself lost in this dreamland of days gone by – not really remembering anything in particular, not necessarily a specific memory of something we did together – I just find myself trying to grasp that mindspace where he still existed. What it felt like when…
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Cadence Count
Moving through grief is similar to moving through deep, dark mud and muck. Lifting your feet to take another step forward takes every bit of determination and strength. Sometimes you look down and you can’t even see your feet, never mind lift them to take that step. When you do lift them, they are covered with mud to the point of not being…
Different life
I’m in that lovely crunch time in semester where I have assignments and other assessments coming out of my butt and I seriously question the sanity of going back to school. Ok, I’m always questioning the sanity of that choice! Which has had me thinking in the last day or so as I worked on cost accounting exercises – would I be doing this if…
Thank you
This will be my last blog post. Michele will pick up Mondays until she can find a replacement for me. I’m not sure exactly how I know I’m done writing here. Your comments and the knowledge that I’m connecting with others is still healing for me. Even though it is more challenging now, I can still think of things to write about. So, struggling for…
Healing with Pride
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about accomplishment, and just how important it has been in helping me to heal and learn to live again. I’m a few months into my third year of being widowed now. Since he died, there have been dozens and dozens of leaps into the unknown. Like most of you, a lot of what I have accomplished I did not have a choice…
Not Standing Still
Last night I reached another ‘first’ in my widow journey. I met some new people without doing that thing where you somehow find a way to announce that you’re widowed. It was a dinner party at a Greek restaurant with a close friend, her fiancé and three other couples (so yes, I was the only ‘single’). That’s six strangers, who…
The Missing of You
Something strange has been happening lately. Perhaps for about the past month or so, this odd thing has been inside me. It is the missing of you – which, of course, has always been there since that day you died and I died too – but this is different. This is different than it just being there as a part of me. This missing of you is a force. It is…
Connections
I’ve been writing here for nearly six months now and even though there are days I have trouble figuring out what to share…days I don’t want to write anything at all…I think that is to be expected, considering the subject matter, and that I’m not alone in this. I’ve not yet had the pleasure of meeting the other six widows posting here. I hope…
When There are no Words
I can feel my body starving for my husband. It strains outwards, palpable energy reaching outside of myself, only to be left hanging in the void where he used to stand. When I walk anywhere, I find myself keeping my right hand empty, palm open, thinking against all reality that I might feel his hand clasp mine again.What does one do with that…
Reaching Out
This week has sucked. Pain. Restriction in mobility. Kid who’s acting up. Change over to summer time so sleep is out of whack. Pain meds making my brain addled, so I’ve not been able to study effectively for an exam I have in about 24 hours. Economics is just plain not computing. Frustration I can’t stand long enough to be able to get the house…
Dark Companion
I am suffering from a bout of depression. I’ve learned from experience that they can often come on when I get overwhelmed. I should know this by now and guard like hell against getting to this point, but I was convinced I was ready to take anything on. I was feeling so good. And then, several life events converged and now, all at once, big things…
The Tides of Grief
The past week has been hard. I suppose that isn’t surprising… Coming down from a really incredible week surrounding my birthday. I don’t know if this has happened to any of you, but every so often there is a week or a month in which I feel like someone put me in a giant slingshot and plummeted me into my new life. And not in a bad way…