This past weekend was my fourth Mother’s Day without Daniel. The last three have been very difficult for me, and had I had time to think about it, I would have dreaded this one too. Oddly enough I was too busy to think about whether the weekend would be hard or not. It was hard in a different way this year. I missed him, as I usually do, but it was…
young widow
My Inner Voice
Decision making has never been difficult for me. If asked to choose between one thing and another I pick one, and stick with my decision. When facing a challenging task I determine a course of action and get moving. When a problem appears unsolvable…I go for a run, and nine times out of ten come back with an answer. And then came widowhood. One…
Celebrating Moms
Sports practices, music lessons, school meetings, homework, school projects, dinner every night, getting multiple children to different locations at the same start time, crying for daddy, asking where he went, consoling, advising, figuring out what the best solution to the problem is when you only have one opinion to consider….any of this sound…
Help is Better with Self
I believe for me, that a huge part of figuring out one’s grief, one most know themselves. Now I know some could say this goes without saying, but after the loss of your soul mate it’s difficult finding out who this new you is, or in my case, who this new me is. It is has been through meeting others in like situations, reflecting on my own thoughts…
Indifferent
Indifferent: Lack of feeling. Being neither too much nor too little. Neither good nor bad. Neither right nor wrong. Journal entry this week: I wish I was upset, but I’m not. I wish I felt sad, but I don’t. Depressed?…don’t think so. I want to cry, but I can’t. Scream… but I won’t. I feel so out of place. Maybe this is it. I’ve finally snapped.
Sometimes I talk to him ….
Yes ….. sometimes I talk to Jim. This is a new experience for me. I’ve been a widow for over 16 months and I’ve never really “talked” to him …. until recently. I couldn’t do it before. I couldn’t believe that he could see and hear me. After all, I have no doubt that he is in Heaven …. no doubt at all. And I have no doubt that there…
The Roadless Traveler
I woke up Sunday morning, made the coffee, walked out on the back porch and listened to the birds. It was so peaceful outside and for about 30 seconds I enjoyed it. My brain wouldn’t be quiet though and the peaceful moment disappeared. I was feeling very anxious, melancholy, and uncertain, but couldn’t pinpoint the cause. I tried to quiet my mind…
Whose Life Is This?
The last couple of weeks have consisted of a whirlwind of new experiences, new people, new opportunities, and new challenges. Generally, I drop into bed exhausted and with little time to reflect due to my constant need to plan for the next day…not a new problem for me. When I do stop to look at the path my life has taken over the last 44 months,…
Innocence and Storytelling
This is my four year-old nephew Ethan posing with his beloved cousin Caitlin. Yesterday we celebrated several family events with a day at the park. In a quiet moment Ethan and I had a conversation that went like this…. E: Auntie Neechelle, where is your husband? M: Well E, my husband was your Uncle Phil and he died when you were just a baby.
Take My Hand
I had sand all over my feet and the wind in my face. My eyes were closed as I stretched my arms out wide as I could and I balanced against the railing of the life guard tower. I held my palms up as if waiting… expecting David to take them, I almost felt as though he did. I took deep, careful breaths… I wanted David. I caught myself whispering,…
Regrets?
I’ve been thinking about regrets a lot lately. Not about Jim and me. No way. He knew that he was seriously loved and adored …… as did I. I have no regrets about us and our marriage, other than it wasn’t long enough ….. not by a long shot. This past weekend was our youngest child’s (Son #3) Confirmation. This was our first…
Embracing Life
I’m in Bloomington Illinois today to watch Michele, my WSM (love that Taryn!), receive one of the 2009 Embrace Life Awards presented each year by State Farm Insurance. The program recognizes people who have suffered the loss of a loved one and tried to make it into something positive. Obviously, Michele fits the bill perfectly. The recipients…