From the minute I was told that Phil was dead I have been tortured by things I could not do. Initially, the fact that no amount of hoping, denying, praying, or screaming was going to bring him back to life haunted my days. I was obsessed with the idea that the world would be whole again only when someone with a magic wand brought me back my…
widowhood and anger
A Broken Plate
My husband doesn’t want to go.” “Huh! I don’t think mine will either!” a woman giggles. I smile, listening. wanting to smack them across their whiny, made-up faces which happen to be attached to well-dressed bodies,wanting to complain about MY husband, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs… “I want to belong to this group…
Skipping Out
You have cataracts.” my eye doctor declares. “I what?” You have cataracts, she says, this time a little more slowly since I obviously don’t understand her the first time. “But I’m 45 years old” I think.Out loud I say, “Aren’t I a bit young?” She says “Yes but it was probably bought on by the low dose steroids you’ve been on for years due to your…
Sweet?
I remember a time not too long ago when I couldn’t taste anything, couldn’t notice the sunshine, couldn’t appreciate the beauty in anything. Getting out of bed and making it through the day was all I could handle. As time passed, I noticed a beautiful day – the first gorgeous day I noticed was ruined by a crying fit (how could it be this beautiful…
the bomb
Occasionally, I will meet a stranger in a line-up or a clerk at the store who notices my oft-perceived masculine purchase of a hammer, a litre of oil or a case of beer. Sometimes, people standing close by will make a comment about my husband and how lucky he is that I’m buying him this case of beer, picking up the oil or replacing this hammer. When…
another 25th
fucking 25th i thought we were going to skip this day? here it is, 25th #3, #3 of a billion yet to come. not awesome.have a shitload of laundry to do after the trip, but it’s been exactly three months since liz died and i can’t stand looking at the washing machine, let alone trying to use it. i don’t remember if i mentioned this before,…
Venting ….
….. I am angry this week. I’m more than angry. (I’d say that I’m pissed but I don’t want to appear un-lady-like.) I’m angry at a certain person and the anger is magnified because he’s not even here to notice or deal with it. Yep, I’m angry with Jim …. who’s been dead for 2 years and 2 months (but who’s counting?).How dare he leave me here to be…
Stinking flowers
When people die, no one really knows what to do. Call? Visit? Send cards, casseroles or flowers? I can personally say that most of the above were very much appreciated. In the fog of grief, many of these overtures were not remembered, unfortunately. So, please, don’t be offended if the thank-you card never arrives. The sympathy cards were kind…
Wading Through
So it’s been one of those weeks, filled with wonderful things: Widow’s Rock Austin was a great time, with some great widows and friends of widows (thanks to all who came!!) and we raised money for Camp Widow 2010 (yay!!!); my sister surprised me at Widow’s Rock – she flew in unexpectedly from England for the event and will stay for a week; Grayson…
Take It All
We are all at a standstill. You and me. You poised to help, not knowing what to do.Me, on the other side, wanting help, not knowing what to ask for. Art’s presence has been with me all day. I just stood in my kitchen crying.Pallas looking on, hugging me.”This is so hard.” I said’I miss him too, Mommy.” she said.And I want dinner delivered…
Serenity Now….
Remember the Seinfeld episode where George’s dad keeps yelling: “Serenity Now”? He’s supposed to be chanting it in a low melodic voice but instead yells it during times of stress…. I think I’m going to try it! ;)The last month or so has been very stressful for me, and I’ve lost focus on the things that should matter to me right now. I’ve been…
50 Days Before His Death
These posts are from February 2009, all within 50 days of his death and my second beginning. February 18, 209 Happy Birthday to Art 58 Days Before His DeathArt’s Birthday Bash February 18, 2009 THANK YOU for making it a great day!!!!!!! Gifts the kids gave Art thought up by themselves! Pallas: A scale, so “Daddy can see how much weight he’s…