I am strong. I am brave. I am a survivor. I am usually empathetic and kind. But…… Sometimes I’m an angry whiner. I wallow in my self-pity and the life that I now exist in. I realize that life is a gift and that we must be grateful for the amount of time we spend with our loved ones and upon this Earth…..But there are times I can’t help…
widowhood and anger
still?
I was asked yesterday how Jeff died. I am often able to tell the awful tale involving the screams, the CPR in the parking lot and the confusion of two little ones without flinching or crying. It is now just regurgitated information that I have been required to tell so many times that I think I could tell it in my sleep. But there is one part of the…
Strength ….
…. or at least the “appearance” of it, is very illusionary, is it not? I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard, or read, someone say, “You’re so strong, Janine. I just don’t know how you do it.” ….. or some variance thereof. I bet you wish you had those dollars, too (not for me hearing it, of course, but for every time YOU heard it).My…
Get the BLEEP Away from Me!!
Take your hands off of me! I said get away from me! Only you don’t understand it cause the words that are coming from my mouth are… “Damn it, L! How many times do I need to tell you to pick up, wipe off, clean up your _____ (insert typical mother rant hear.) I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE!” I yell.Really wanting to throttle him, to give my hands…
Not A Quitter
I had one of those conversations with a stranger. You know, the one that starts with “so how long have you been divorced?” This one ended up lasting a bit longer than usual, despite my lob of the usually effective conversation stopper: “I’m not divorced, I’m a widow, my husband died 5 years ago.” Instead, this person wanted the details – she was…
Broken Hearts Club
Well, it’s Saturday night, February 12th, and I’m sitting here alone. My son has a friend sleeping over, and I can hear their laughter in the distant room, but other than that all I hear is the sound of a fountain next to my front window. I have been here most of the evening, sitting on my couch, doing some writing, surfing the net with a profound…
Emergency
Ever since April 16, 2009 I have struggled with what name to put in the blank space that says “In Case of Emergency”I loathe that blank space. It reminds me no one will love my kids as ferociously, as tenderly, as fully as Art did. It makes me want to go back to bed as if sleep will solve the issue. …
who you were
Some of the fishing companies that Jeff had worked for would provide jackets for the crew with their name embroidered on the shoulder. Once when asked what Jeff wanted marked on his sleeve (he had a plethora of nicknames that could have been used in his name’s stead), he had remarked, “Just Jeff”. When his coat arrived with “Just Jeff” scribed upon…
Death Sucks
I was wearing this t-shirt the other day. It was a “you think your life is bad, I dare you to try mine” day. I was feeling righteous. I was feeling mad. I was feeling “How dare you world go on and leave me here, in this life, struggling today to just do enough. How dare you!”I was willing to take it out on any poor sap who dared comment about death…
the anger
**My apologies for the raw and rude wording of this post. It’s been written in the heat of the moment but I feel it would lessen its ‘feel’ if I softened the wording. I hope no one is offended** There are times I hate him for dying. Two and a half years later and I could spit fury at his lack of care for his health, for his concern for our…
There Will Always Be ….
…. set backs. I know that’s a given. Life is full of set backs. Everyone’s life, not just mine. Or yours. So why is it then, that when I am hit with one of them …. I’m surprised?Last week was a set back. One huge, hairy set back. It started the moment I arrived home from a trip and continued on through Sunday (and is even bleeding a little…
The Things I/We Didn’t Need to Hear ….
(this was originally posted on Feb. 16, 2008, almost 2 months after Jim’s death. It was in response to many of my blog readers asking me what to “not say” to a grieving person”. This is the 2nd time I have posted it on WV, but I think we need to remind people ….. every once in a while). OK, buckle your seat belts. And please, please, please…