Whether or not there is a belief in God or an afterlife, I would bet that many widowed people talk to their lost loves. The first few months after Mike died I remember that horrific, heart-clenching, shattering new reality that he was not there to talk to anymore. But as time went on I just started talking to him anyway. Sometimes I yelled at him…
stephanie vendrell
Mean Dreams
I had a dream about Mike last week. I hear some widowed people bemoan the fact that they never dream of their loved one…but these dreams are not always happy. I wish we could all visit with them in all our dreams every night, dancing happily through the fields of neverwhere together, able to talk to them and laugh with them. But not all dreams…
Times Gone By
I’m enjoying my last few months in Kona working at the restaurant. It is situated just a few feet from the water; the view is stupendous. The people are friendly and fun – this includes the staff and the customers. So it’s really not a bad place to be in any regard. I often find myself gazing out over the ocean and the other quaint buildings in…
The Blank Page
Every writer experiences it. Staring at the blank page. Sometimes no words come at all, and sometimes, there are so many words we’re not sure which ones to put down. Grief is kind of like that. Sometimes we sit in blank stupefaction while the horror of our new reality without our spouses showers down around us. Other times we are inundated with so…
Grown Up Problems
Mike was never good at dealing with grown up problems. He truly did have a childlike spirit – that was sometimes fun, and sometimes frustrating. When it came to taxes, phone calls, fixing things, filling out forms, and bigger worries, he was often useless. I did most of all that. And when he died…well, widowed people understand all the…
Being Here Now
The day before this posts is my birthday. I am now 49. Mike was 45 when we met; I was 31. It’s hard to imagine I am that old now, and I spend a lot of time thinking back to Mike at my age. And I remember all the birthdays we spent together…I have kept all of the cards we gave each other. We always did something special, but he made me feel…
Mixed Emotions
After two and a half months in Virginia helping my family through a medical crisis, I am finally back in Kona for a few final months. Kona, Hawaii, where I moved with my late husband in 2001. This magical, special and most beautiful place where we made so many memories.Mike is here. His spirit will always be here, to me, even as I take a part of…
The Path Less Traveled
I am a rebel. I always have been. I do my homework and get good grades but then I sneak out to go to the party. You know? In other words, I’ve always done what was generally expected of me, but then I also tend to kind of run away and do what I want later. I went to college but did not go to law school like everyone else I knew. I did not get a…
Limbo Girl
In a few weeks we will hit the four year mark of Mike’s death. Four years. On that day I will have survived 1,460 days without him. I only got 5040 days with him. Life for those of us left behind continues to speed by. Some days I panic a little that grief has stolen so much time. Then I realize how much grief has taught me, and how much I have…
Another Runner Up?
I derive a lot of inspiration reading the other writers here at Widow’s Voice. They are all strong, beautiful people with individual stories of tragedy and living this life. I feel honored to be listed on the same page as they are. Reading Michelle’s post this week, Runner Up, made me stop and think. I don’t write much about my boyfriend here. A…
Permanent Markers
After Mike died, the story of his stuff was an ongoing issue for a long time. His elder daughter and I cleared his closet a couple of months out because I had to make room for things being moved upstairs in preparation for renting out the downstairs. Then later that year, both girls spent several days with me dividing and clearing most of what was…
A Choiceless Event
I was sitting on the couch at my parents’ house in Virginia this week thinking about Mike. Just wondering how things would be different for me now were he still alive. Imagining him sitting next to me, trying to recapture the feeling of being in the presence of his energy. So much changes for us in widowhood. Surely the hardest is losing that…