Every writer experiences it. Staring at the blank page. Sometimes no words come at all, and sometimes, there are so many words we’re not sure which ones to put down.
Grief is kind of like that. Sometimes we sit in blank stupefaction while the horror of our new reality without our spouses showers down around us. Other times we are inundated with so many different emotions we don’t know which direction to turn. Confusion, fear, loneliness, nostalgia, anxiety, stress.
My life feels like a blank page. The person I had shared life with for so many years is now gone. No more words will be written in that story. The page has turned. And now so many different words could be written. I wonder often, as so many of us widowed people do, what will become of me. Where I will end up, who I will meet, how I will support myself. All of these new unanswered questions.
I want to write a story of survival. I want the words to be positive. I want to help people and support my family in this difficult time. I want to find moments of joy. I want smiles, hugs and laughter to be in there. I want knowledge and strength to be part of my new story.
It won’t all be that. There are going to be times of anxiety and stress and sadness. Leaving a life I cherished for so long will not be easy. Moving so far away from so many friends will not be easy. Abandoning the place my husband loved so much will not be easy.
So I keep busy and try to keep walking. Working, writing, studying, dancing…every moment, putting some new words down on the blank pages of this strange new world.
He will always be a part of me. This I know. I grab hold of the memories of him tightly. And then the wind blows, the birds chirp, and I am reminded I must get up and move through the next moment, dragging my pen behind me, leaving new words in my wake.