Well the countdown is over and today is the day. Four years ago today I watched my husband die when only moments before, he had asked me to climb into the hospital bed with him and he’d told me how hard this battle was for him and how much he loved me. We thought we were leaving the hospital the next day; he was only in for dehydration issues…
Widowed
Growing Pains
For Halloween this year each of my teenagers were occupied with their own pursuits. What used to be a kid focused holiday full of parental supervision, has become a mom on her own holiday hoping the kids are safe throughout the festive night. Though my boys were close by, I found myself sitting on the back of my car handing out candy at our Church…
20 Days Before His Death
I’m not really sure why I’m sharing these vignettes. Maybe so you know me, know him? I think that somehow if you know us, his death will mean something more to you. And if it means something more to you then it will, in a weird way, not be such a loss. Another widow friend of mine calls this Widow Mouth. It’s when a widow shares the whole story of…
Insert Soul Mate
After traveling the last 18 hours, I have arrived home! Ireland was amazing and lived up to all of my dreams and expectations (though I had set none). From Cork to the Wicklow mountains, I compiled a dictionaries worth of memories.With each new locale I’m blessed enough to see, I capture some of the best shots through the lens of my camera that…
growing up
In the first days after being widowed, I was much like a young child. Oblivious to the world around me. Completely in my own little realm – though not one of wonder but of grief and fear. My existence was confusing. I didn’t understand what had happened. I relied on others to care for me. To make sure I was fed, clothed, and essentially,…
some regrets
some of us were talking about madeline’s long fingers. someone suggested that she should be a piano player. i said, “just like her momma”and then i realized… i was in love with liz for over 12 years and i never saw her play the piano. and that made me sad. then i got to thinking about the other stuff we never did. we never skied…
I Can’t Make Up My Mind …. Part 2
Last week I wrote about my sons and the likeness each one has of Jim. I mentioned that I have let the boys go through Jim’s clothes. Well, I’ve decided that I can’t make up my mind about that, either. I want Jim’s clothes to do more than just sit in a closet. I think. I want the boys to be able to have something of their dad’s and to be able to…
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life…
So here I sit, 7 days til the anniversary. I am absolutely beyond swamped at work (could I have more meetings and more documents to review??) and overwhelmed with personal commitments as well – a funeral (no, they never stop, and they are always sad), two evening meetings, basketball, Halloween parties, homework, and that is just to get me to…
Ready or Not?
I loved being married. Knowing that I shared a commitment with my husband to face life together, come what may, was a daily comfort to me. I didn’t miss dating; I didn’t long for freedom; I didn’t feel limited; I didn’t fear slipping into complacency. Looking back, I even miss the hard work that was required to create a harmonious union. Phil and I…
50 Days Before His Death
These posts are from February 2009, all within 50 days of his death and my second beginning. February 18, 209 Happy Birthday to Art 58 Days Before His DeathArt’s Birthday Bash February 18, 2009 THANK YOU for making it a great day!!!!!!! Gifts the kids gave Art thought up by themselves! Pallas: A scale, so “Daddy can see how much weight he’s…
My Other Car is a Porsche
You know those bumper stickers that say things like, “My Other Car is a Porsche?” The implication is that the driver isn’t quite satisfied with their real car and that they have a much nicer one parked at home. I can appreciate this sentiment.My “other car” is my other life—the one I was supposed to be living right now complete with a…
Not Feeling It
There are many days, weeks and months that the grief that was born after Jeff’s death has crippled me. Days that no matter what I do, the sadness and loss steal over me and infect every thought and movement with pain. Weeks where I can feel nothing but the ache that has accompanied this journey and months in which the sorrow manages to reek despite…