Last week I wrote about my sons and the likeness each one has of Jim. I mentioned that I have let the boys go through Jim’s clothes.

Well, I’ve decided that I can’t make up my mind about that, either.

I want Jim’s clothes to do more than just sit in a closet. I think.

I want the boys to be able to have something of their dad’s and to be able to wear some of his clothes. I think.

I like seeing the boys wearing Jim’s clothes and bringing back memories of him. I think.

Sometimes I like these things.

Sometimes …. not so much.

 

Sometimes I feel angry that he’s not here to wear them.

Sometimes I feel resentful that his clothes can be worn so easily.

Sometimes I feel like taking every item back and boxing them all up securely.

Sometimes.

 

But not all of the time.

 

I miss him.

I miss him wearing these items and this not being an issue.

I miss being a mom who never had to think about things like this.

I miss our life “before”.

 

And so I can’t make up my mind.

Do I want the boys to take his clothes or not?

At the end of the day, when all is said and done …. I guess I would have to say, “Yes. Mostly.”

I don’t want Jim’s clothes to just lie around collecting dust.

I do want the boys to have things of their Dad’s that mean something to them.

 

And I do want the memories of Jim wearing those clothes. I do want to remember my “before” life and I want to cherish those memories. If the clothes just sit in a box then they can’t bring back those warm memories.

 

And so I have to make up my mind. Again.

And decide I’m going to be OK with this.

Even on those days when I am not.

Especially on those days when I am not.

 

Do you ever have days like that?

Or am I totally crazy?

I don’t know.

I can’t make up my mind.