I always associate the first blooming flowers of Spring with the start of track season. Phil lived for track season in the same way some people live for football season. He attended every live track meet within driving distance of our house(mind you this takes all day), watched professional meets on TV, knew the names and times of world record…
Widowed
Happiness- Provided by Me
“I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.” -Jennifer Louden Let me just say how much I love this quote. I really should print it on cards and hand it out to those who make the snide remarks that I will not be able to be…
A Thought For The Day
“Life is filled with both love and loss, but love is always stronger.” ~unknown…
those little things
It’s the ‘little things’ can that drive you mad or madly in love. The way his jaw clicks when he chews. Or the way he tucks your hair behind you ear as he assures you that it will be okay. The way he feels compelled to tell you how to solve a problem when you’re venting. Or the way he stares at you from across the room with a smile touching his…
doctor visit
it was time to go to take my perfect child to the doctor. that perfect child started screaming as soon as i put her carseat into the base.tried to give her the pacifier while driving (exceedingly difficult while driving a car with manual transmission). that didn’t work. tried holding her hand. that didn’t work. tried rubbing her cheek.
It Should Have Been Me …..
I hesitated quite a while before I wrote this post. I don’t know why …. I know without a doubt that you “get it”. Actually I do know why. It’s because I don’t want anyone to read this as a “poor me” post, or as an attempt to get sympathy. It’s not that. It’s just …. reality. And I’m ok with it.It should have been me. How many times have you…
Sweet?
I remember a time not too long ago when I couldn’t taste anything, couldn’t notice the sunshine, couldn’t appreciate the beauty in anything. Getting out of bed and making it through the day was all I could handle. As time passed, I noticed a beautiful day – the first gorgeous day I noticed was ruined by a crying fit (how could it be this beautiful…
In Awe
I have experienced using the word death, or the word grief, or the word widow and having people physically step away from me. I have been told that since I am young the death of my husband isn’t as large a tragedy as it might be if I were older, since I am sure to remarry. I have been asked whether or not I am “over” my husband. People have looked…
Kissing
I don’t remember how Art kissed. I remember how it felt. Warm, sensual, desired, sexy, girly, vixenish, delightful. When the connection was right, our kissing opened a door that lead to ….I kissed a guy last night. He’s not the first one that I have kissed but last time, back in the earlier months I kissed for and with the need to connect, to…
Guilt
I wanted to touch base on guilt, as I believe it has played a role in my grief with Michael’s loss. The guilt that he died and I lived. The guilt of the things he never got to experience that I now have been. The guilt of having eyes to still see this world’s beauty and ears to hear its melodies. The guilt of knowing that he would have handled this…
the bomb
Occasionally, I will meet a stranger in a line-up or a clerk at the store who notices my oft-perceived masculine purchase of a hammer, a litre of oil or a case of beer. Sometimes, people standing close by will make a comment about my husband and how lucky he is that I’m buying him this case of beer, picking up the oil or replacing this hammer. When…
another 25th
fucking 25th i thought we were going to skip this day? here it is, 25th #3, #3 of a billion yet to come. not awesome.have a shitload of laundry to do after the trip, but it’s been exactly three months since liz died and i can’t stand looking at the washing machine, let alone trying to use it. i don’t remember if i mentioned this before,…