there are odd things around the house that trigger memories of liz.on the refrigerator, behind some mismatched magnetsis a recipe with its accompanying ingredient/grocery listanda list of thingsto do around the housebefore a dinner partythrown long-ago, (all in her hand writing).one of theworst triggers isthe goddamned dvr.a source of…
Widowed Parenting
Grasping at Control
It hasn’t been 48 hours yet. I want to change…. something; move the piano, cut my hair, paint the ceiling, rip everything off the shelves. Sell everything….today! Start over. I want my outside world to relfect my inside turmoil. The calmness that is slipping away, the trepidation, the impending emptiness that slowly lowers its vail and the…
five weeks
5 weeks agotoday.things were perfect.healthy, happy family.11 minutes after 3:00pmon that same day,my worldfell apart.since then,lots of sadness.lots of happiness.but mostly sadness.liz’sdeathhas reallyfucked me up.people keep asking,“how are you coping?”multiple answers:“i just am.”“by talking to people.”“the kindness of…
I Didn’t Sign Up For This …..
… but then, neither did you, right? It’s been one of those weeks … and it’s not even half way over yet! I am totally sick of being a single parent. I’m tired of having to do all of this on my own when I really don’t know what the hell I’m doing a lot of the time. Teenage boys?? That was supposed to be Jim’s job. I handled the girls and their…
the hardest part
As a widow with young children, the worst thing about parenting now is NOT watching fathers whirl their delighted little girls around in the air or push their little boys on the swings. It is NOT arriving to your child’s dance recital alone and wishing that someone was there to experience the joy and pride with you. It is NOT that you are now…
why I wear her ring
forgot to mentionwhat happenedwhen i went to the doctor with madeline, a woman sitting next to meon the phone, talking very loudly(to a presumably disinterested party)about nothing.when she hung up, she turned to me(with madeline in a carseat on my lap, anya to my right)and said, “are you wearing your wife’s rings because they don’t fit…
Four years ago
Well the countdown is over and today is the day. Four years ago today I watched my husband die when only moments before, he had asked me to climb into the hospital bed with him and he’d told me how hard this battle was for him and how much he loved me. We thought we were leaving the hospital the next day; he was only in for dehydration issues…
Growing Pains
For Halloween this year each of my teenagers were occupied with their own pursuits. What used to be a kid focused holiday full of parental supervision, has become a mom on her own holiday hoping the kids are safe throughout the festive night. Though my boys were close by, I found myself sitting on the back of my car handing out candy at our Church…
some regrets
some of us were talking about madeline’s long fingers. someone suggested that she should be a piano player. i said, “just like her momma”and then i realized… i was in love with liz for over 12 years and i never saw her play the piano. and that made me sad. then i got to thinking about the other stuff we never did. we never skied…
I Can’t Make Up My Mind …. Part 2
Last week I wrote about my sons and the likeness each one has of Jim. I mentioned that I have let the boys go through Jim’s clothes. Well, I’ve decided that I can’t make up my mind about that, either. I want Jim’s clothes to do more than just sit in a closet. I think. I want the boys to be able to have something of their dad’s and to be able to…
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life…
So here I sit, 7 days til the anniversary. I am absolutely beyond swamped at work (could I have more meetings and more documents to review??) and overwhelmed with personal commitments as well – a funeral (no, they never stop, and they are always sad), two evening meetings, basketball, Halloween parties, homework, and that is just to get me to…
My Other Car is a Porsche
You know those bumper stickers that say things like, “My Other Car is a Porsche?” The implication is that the driver isn’t quite satisfied with their real car and that they have a much nicer one parked at home. I can appreciate this sentiment.My “other car” is my other life—the one I was supposed to be living right now complete with a…